Vampire Hookers

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source: Vampire Hookers

Vampire Hookers

Vampire Hookers (1978) is a movie that I recently watched on Tubi. The storyline follows a vampire that has three wives that serve him and wants one more. The wives lure women back to the lair for them all to eat. As the husband vampire courts his next wife the other wives will need to teach her their ways. This movie is directed by Cirio H. Santiago (Firecracker) and stars John Carradine (The Ten Commandments), Trey Wilson (Twins), Lenka Novak (Kentucky Fried Movie) and Vic Diaz (Black Mama White Mama). This movie is about as uneven as it gets. I loved seeing John Carradine but most of this acting and writing is awful. The dialogue was awkward at times and a lot of the comedy was cheesy. The sailors were annoying characters but the fart sequence was hilarious. There is some classic 70s nudity in this. Overall, this is a below average addition to the horror genre that's still worth seeing once. I would score this a 4/10.

This is an absolutely horrible movie (though still better than both Queerwolf and On Deadly Ground (best use of Michael Caine's hair to sop up oil spills)). However, it is almost worth owning if you choose to just fast forward to the credits for the theme song. Any vampire movie with the line "Vampire hookers... they'll suck more than your blood" in it is worth putting next to your copy of A Polish Vampire In Burbank on your schlock shelf. There isn't much more to say about this movie except that it is very difficult to fill out ten lines of commentary about it that aren't merely "Ow... that hurt my brain" repeated over and over and over. Ow... that hurt my brain.

Vampire Hookers is certainly a bad movie but that is part of its charm. If you are a fan of 70's T&A films, this one will should appeal to you. I first saw it at an old downtown theater that ran mostly B horror movies and soft core *. That was many years ago so I guess something about this film impressed me as I have never quite forgotten it although some of the people in the cast would probably like to. My main question is, what is John Carradine doing in this? I know he was at the end of a fine career (hey, the guy was in Stagecoach and The Grapes of Wrath for crying out loud) but Vampire Hookers?!? I can only guess that he either A. needed the money, B. wanted to help out a producer or director friend, or C. lost a bet in a poker game with this film's producer.

And to think that I've always felt sorry for some of the trash Boris Karloff was reduced to appearing in late in his career. But this thing that John Carradine made late in his career makes Karloff's Snake People look like Citizen Kane. It's embarrassing. Carradine is some sort of Shakespeare spouting vampire who uses a trio of vampire babes to help him lure his victims. It's supposed to be some sort of horror/comedy, but it's neither scary nor funny. The obviously plastic-toothed vampires in Vampire Hookers couldn't scare a three year old. And unless your idea of humor involves an overweight vampire who has a problem with gas, you won't find anything to laugh at. Oh, I suppose there are moments that are so bad they're almost funny, but the intentional attempts at comedy are utterly ridiculous. I'm being more than generous by giving this one an extra point on its rating for these moments of unintentional humor.

Oh man, this movie is worth watching just for the theme song!! If you are a collector of B horror movies or like to pop 'em late at night you must see this movie. Most John Carradine movies are bad and this is for sure no exception! This gem is complete with bad voice overs, bad acting and a Super Awesomely Bad orgy scene. This movie is pee your pants funny and it's one of the worst movies your little peepers will ever view. Seriously, this needs to go in any B Horror movie collection. Jeese, I can't believe they made this movie, but I'm glad they did. It's just too funny.

Vampire Hookers shouldn't have tanlines... should they? They're VAMPIRES! Vampires don't sunbathe!