The Vineyard

source: The Vineyard

Dr Po is a world renowned wine maker. The ingredients for his wines, however, leaves very little to be desired. He is fighting a losing battle in his quest for eternal youth, though, and is getting more desperate. Innocent young victims are lured to his island under false pretensions so he can continue concocting his longevity potions, leaving his vineyard littered with bodies - restless souls who now are zombie-like creatures. I wasn't always sure what direction they were steering in here. At times it looked as if they wanted a zombie film. At times it seemed some of the characters were possessed, like Jezebel (Karen Lorre) for instance. What besieged her to willingly offered herself to Dr Po? Very little of her actions made sense. In fact, acting in general wasn't that great, and neither was the script. Having snacks at a party, a character says "it tastes like spiders", only for a girl to then later throw up spiders. But why would he have said that? Has he ever tasted spiders?? The film offers the stereotypical characters: the sweet and serene blonde bombshell, the muscle hunks, the nerd, and the dispensable ones along for the ride - or should I say the kill. I enjoyed the final act when the victims started fighting back and it became a quest for survival. Unfortunately, the film did have some serious editing issues, and at times didn't seem chronological. If you don't take the film seriously and watch it for the slasher it was intended to be, maybe you'll be satisfied. At least (some of) the make-up effects were good. I actually enjoyed it. Would I watch it again? I think so.

Dr. Elson Po (James Hong) is one of the world's most famous wine growers. He has a magic potion which has kept him handsome and alive during the centuries. However, lately the magic which rejuvenates him seem to be less and less effective. This film was written by, directed by and starring James Hong. So if you are a Hong fan, this is the picture for you -- he brings an angle to horror that I certainly have not seen elsewhere. I am not sure if you can call him Chinese-American, since he was born in the United States, but he has made an American film with Chinese roots -- possibly a unique feat in American horror. Some of this was pure 1980s. Hong's dance in the mask at his 1980s party was pretty weird, and the music certainly amplified the weirdness. The special effects range from good to bad. I liked the masks and makeup, but some of the "electricity" just looked terrible.

James Hong (Lo Pan from Big Trouble in Little China) wrote, directed and stars in this surprisingly well made and entertaining fantasy horror film. I am almost certain the only reason why Hong pulled a triple threat (writing, directing, starring) was so he could grope and molest the so-called actresses. He sorta pulled a Bill Hinzman in "Flesheater". But truth be told...the nudity makes the film a bit more watchable. The film opens with Hong and his much younger wife standing on the balcony of his mansion as they make out. The wife strips and a horny mechanic watches them from downstairs. Within the first 5 minutes of the movie you get to see a dungeon filled with half naked chicks who are chained up and two separate sex scenes! There is some funny dialog and the film's production does look well done. But "The Vineyard" is trash...but at least it's entertaining trash. Highlights: A martial arts master handy man, tons of *, a decapitation, spiders in mouths, snakes wrapped around hot ladies, zombies who can only be killed by sprinkling magic dirt on them, a gay old German guy, the guy from "Legacy of Rage" that isn't Brandon Lee, some really terrible dancing, and a dude going Rambo with a bow and arrow.

In the first 5 minutes of this film, we go through about five different genres of movie, including romance, revenge, zombie, mad science, and kung fu action. And the pace doesn't really slow down. Evil Dr. Po has been magically keeping himself alive by drinking the blood of young people, and he's James Hong to boot! Apparently Mr. Hong helped fund the picture, and that might explain why he gets to fondle and maul all of the nubile young actresses on the set. Good for him I guess. He has a staff of serial-killer kung-fu warriors (my favorite one is Black Ponytail Guy), and he's invited a bunch of useless trust fund babies to his isolated vineyard in order to drink their blood. I mean, presumably there is some ostensible reason they come, but I've seen this movie about 5 times and I have not yet figured it out. They have a party, and then start disappearing. There are loads of gratuitous scenes. Like, if Mr. Po wants to drink their blood, why does he curse one girl with the Spitting Up Spiders candy? And why does he keep his mummified-yet-alive mom in a spare room with no lock on the door? And why does he keep zombies buried in his vineyard? There seems no upside to that last one. And why does the zombie head which one girl sees vanish when she runs for help? And there's more. It's like 10 movies in one. Whatever your tastes, The Vineyard can fulfill them. I do admit that it is a little slow while we're getting used to our ostensible heroes (the trust fund babies), and I have never been less interested in a hero's backstory than I was in these losers. Dr. Po more than makes up for it, cackling like a maniac, commanding his warriors into murderous deeds, and pleading verbosely to his Mayan god (yes I know) for long life. What a film. Not to be missed.

James Hong writes, directs, and stars in this appalling film about a mad doctor/wine grower/movie producer living on an island and having young, physically attractive men and women come to his island so he can either kill them or hang them up by handcuffs in his winery. Naturally, one, Karen Witter, a hot little blonde, is there to be his hypnotized bride. Whew! Hong prays to some Chinese god which has given him some ability to live forever. What the bodies of the visitors have to do with the wine is never explained. Nor is why zombies rise on the island. Nor is virtually anything of noteworthy status. The script just plain sucks! The special effects are bad as we see Hong get old(a rubbery mask perhaps), or some super-imposed green eyes are given to him, or scenes showing physical changes are just edited and pieced together rather than shot in one take or cleverly edited for the purpose of continuity. The acting is awful. Hong is a decent actor but not with this crap. The rest are just pretty faces with seemingly little behind those faces and bodies. Clichéd characters abound...some trying to be funny. Nothing is very original about the way things are done in terms of the horror aspects of the film. A bad movie no matter how you try to spin it. Although of Chinese subject matter, The Vineyard left me quite full. I certainly wasn't in the mood for anymore in an hour. Perhaps a 100 years from now. No way!

My Gooooood! I'm just tired to repeat this eternal question: Why was this movie ever made? This is worse than Troll 2, worse than Witchery and Crawlers, it sucks. All the characters and "actors" (they're unique, they have done only this feature)are involved in this story only because they will be victims. This movie just hurts. Zombie make up is cheap and acting and script are hopeless... Total failure!

The movie wasn't great, but it had it's moments. I think James Hong did a good job and found his character quite creepy. Some of the scenes including the spider scene were pretty scary! The fight scenes were quite good, especially when the preppy guy and his girlfriend were working together to defeat Po's big, burly bodyguards. Most of the cast are one hit wonders (if you consider this movie to be a "hit"). They made sure to hire a young, good-looking cast including the gorgeous Karen Witter who played Jezebel. Dr. Po may have been 1000 years old, but his choice of a spouse was right on the money!

James Hong is great as always, very sinister and gets to play the wizard with naked hotties in this movie. The Vineyard (bland title) is definitely inspired by Lo Lieh's upchuck classics Black Magic 1 & 2. It just doesn't pull out the stops like those Hong Kong classics or create a twisted reality. The actresses are all lookers and that is a major plus but not enough to make repeated viewing.

This horror movie from 1989 really embodies the entire spirit and feel of the 1980 horror movies. It is hard to put a concrete example on what it is to it that makes it so, but it just is. "The Vineyard" is fairly straight forward. A reclusive wine grower, famous for his unique wines, have invited a group of young aspiring actors to his estate for what they believe in to be a party and an audition for a movie. However, the wine maker has something else in store for the young people, as he needs them to brew his special wine; a wine that has kept him young and alive for centuries. The effects in the movie were very 1980s. Just watch the movie, and you will know immediately what I am talking about here. The zombies weren't particularly detailed, but I assume for a movie from back then they were quite good. The storyline is generic and stereotypical for late 1980s horror movies, being predictable to the core. But still, the movie is fun to watch because it is campy and cheesy. And it was fun to watch James Hong in this particular role. Being a fan of Hong Kong cinema, it was also fun to watch Michael Wong in this movie. If you enjoy horror movies from the 1980s, then "The Vineyard" is definitely one to watch. And the ending is guaranteed to have you laughing...