The Beach House

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source: The Beach House

I rarely have anything negative to say about movies, as I'll stay through the end and usually find something positive to say. In the case of this movie, I definitely should have bailed on it early, as it just had a few brief moments that could have made it work. This movie tries to tie in eating edibles somehow into the story line, what the hell was the point... didn't amount to anything interesting (or maybe that's what is needed to somehow enjoy this movie). There is a part where the husband walks into the ocean, and this goes absolutely no where in relation to the storyline. Just poorly executed at best, and they (the writers) were just all over the board with random pieces that just grossly attributed to a failed attempt at a horror movie. Simply don't waste your time, and keep searching for a more worthwhile flick!

It was kinda cool at times. We compromised and we will give it a 5. There were some okay scenes. Tiny twist, maybe. Not a great ending. But oh well. It was really fine, if you wanna watch it you might enjoy it. It was somewhat enjoyable.

'The Beach House' is the perfect type of film to know as little about as possible before going in. I knew basically nothing about it and it made it an absolute treat. Some could call the first half of the film slow, and they'd probably be right, but I loved it. It did what so few horror movies do and took the time to let us care about the characters and their fate. For a cast of relative unknowns I thought the cast were terrific. The main couple were nothing flashy, but they were likeable and realistic enough to get onboard with. The film features some very clever foreshadowing. It was hard to fully appreciate all of it at the time, whilst knowing so little about what the future of the film had in store, but in retrospect it was very clever. I really didn't know what direction the film was going to go in. It holds its cards close to its chest for quite a while. The path that it does ultimately go down has not always been my favourite genre of film in the past, but I really liked the way 'The Beach House' went about it. The film has a very strange ending, that I think makes sense, but I also suspect is not going to be to everyone's liking. It was a bold way to end the film though, and like it or not you should at least give it respect for that much. I had a good time with 'The Beach House' and would recommend it as one to check out.

In order to be minimally watchable, a movie has to have something to express, some theme or point, and then traverse the process of expressing it from beginning through middle to end. THE BEACH HOUSE, as far as I am intelligent enough to tell, didn't have ANY of those elements. Consequently, and of course inevitably, this results in a movie that somnambulates around for about eighty-eight minutes and then just falls over, plop. The end. The final scene depicts our female lead, arguably the primary protagonist of the movie, lying on her back on the beach, her milky white unseeing eyes (traditionally de rigueur to indicate everything from some sort of terminal infection ranging from alien parasites to zombie diseases) staring skyward, incessantly repeating to herself, "Don't be scared. Don't be scared. Don't be scared" until a wave that wouldn't move a toddler somehow magically washes a full-size human female away leaving not a trace in the sand. Don't worry, dear. I'm not scared. Just bored and annoyed. In a very vague sort of way the movie suggests some kind of malevolent and infectious element bubbling up from underwater smokers resulting in psychedelic trip-inducing blue fog, extra-large predatory parasitic earthworms and a whole beach-full of flesh-colored Portuguese Man-Of-Wars that materialize on the beach practically instantaneously from nowhere, all without even a light sprinkle of explanation. I suppose we are to understand that some sort of a biological catastrophe has occurred but it's not really made clear. Or even semi-opaque. It could all just as easily be metaphor, analog, symbolism or an attempt at "pathetic fallacy" or blah blah blah. In a drifting and directionless movie such as this, who can tell? Not me. In the hopes that you won't notice a storyless story, lots of human interest-y, angst-driven manure is cast about to fog the issue. Because drama. The older wife is terminally ill, the older husband already grieves his imminent loss, the bright-eyed ingénue dreams of her bright and unexplored future while her boyfriend drifts haplessly through life yearning for a purpose. Sn0000000re... snort... Hah? Unfortunately, no amount of fine accoutrement will conceal the fact that there is no food on the table. There's no story here. It's barely a tableau that starts, goes and ends nowhere. And just to annoy the audience, our ingénue successfully arranges for portable, breathable air (to avoid the infectious fog...) and transportation and begins to make good her escape from the infected zone and then... And THEN... stupidly out-drives her ability to see through the fog and runs into a tree. Derp. "Don't be scared", splash splash, roll credits, be irritated and feel cheated.