San Andreas Quake

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Okay, I watched 19 minutes and already with the first quake I see the biggest nonsense: the guy rescue a girl from inside who immediately simply walks with him, with outside a few people on their knees protecting each other for falling rumble and others just sit relaxed at a pick nick table as if nothing is happening there. A hippo that is totally fake, people who don't acre about others and just go for themselves, I've never seen so many stupid things in just the first part of a movie. Even for the stupid 2,75 I rented it at google-play, I feel like I should have bought a coffee instead. And that in 54 years of my life, I never had it before.

Very few of The Asylum's movies are good at all, let alone great, being poorly made, badly written and acted and far too derivative. There is always something fascinating however about their badness, their best efforts are reasonably entertaining but rarely rise above mediocre but at their worst their movies are intelligence-insulting and an assault on the senses. While this reviewer has not seen the movie 'San Andreas Quake' is ripped off of, 'San Andreas', it really does have to be really bad to be worse than this . From understanding that movie has mixed reviews, whereas 'San Andreas Quake' has been almost universally panned in the IMDb reviews. While 'San Andreas Quake' is not quite among the Asylum's very worst, it is one of their worst recent efforts. To say that 'San Andreas Quake' is poorly made is an understatement, if anything it is one of the cheapest-looking movies personally seen in some time. Hard to say which is worse. The drab-in-colour production design; the cheap and far too simplistic sets and scenery, looking almost dead in fact; the less-than-smooth photography; the bacon-slicer-like choppy editing, or the CGI, which is not only of horrendous quality (even films from the 70s would have rejected them) but also either appear out of nowhere or have no reason for being in that scene. The music is often intrusive, has little pace, over- scored and too often just doesn't fit with what's going on, it tries to bring energy to scenes that are in desperate need for it but it doesn't in any way gel. 'San Andreas Quake' is incredibly poorly scripted, with line after line of clunky, sometimes childish dialogue and even more stilted line delivery, and the audience is assaulted even more with disaster / scientific jargon that's little more than incoherent gibberish (it was like the writers didn't have a clue what they were writing, if that was indeed the case the viewers do not have a hope, Jhey Castles has the worst of it), sometimes misplaced and irritating comedic parts and cloying sentimentality. The story is far too simple for its own good, doesn't even try to do anything original or surprising with the genre or premise, and drags as a result (especially in the sentimental scenes, that drag so much and are so sickly sweet it's enough to make one throw up quite violently), also displaying no energy, suspense or fun and throughout 'San Andreas Quake' lacks real panic and danger. The very few times it tries to explain anything, it always comes across as implausible and underdeveloped. Every bit as bad are the characters and how they are written. There is nothing interesting or relatable about them. If anything they are as one-dimensional as one could possibly get and big, obnoxious stereotypes. If you had a list of every cliché in the book with characters, their situations and what happens in the story and ticking off every cliché that appears the list by the end of the movie is guaranteed to have ticks on every or almost every cliché listed. The direction is flat and shows no competence, the action/disaster sequences should be exciting but are too sparsely populated and dizzyingly shot and edited, if any sense of destruction was intended it doesn't in any way show here and it focuses too much on the aftermath rather than actual destruction itself. The acting is throughout poor at best, sure it is hard to do anything with such a bad script but the cast could at least have tried. Grace Van Dien grates on the nerves and Lane Townsend couldn't have been any more bland, while Jhey Castles looks like she doesn't understand a word of her dialogue hence the complete lack of conviction. Overall, 'San Andreas Quake' is a train wreck, and for a disaster movie the only disaster really is how appallingly executed the whole thing is. 1/10, and that is being generous. Bethany Cox

MAJOR SPOILER FOR MAJORLY RIDICULOUS MOVIE. I haven't even finished watching this insane Asylum disaster film but I needed to immediately log in to give this film 10 stars because of the tremendous animation in the - wait for it - HIPPO ATTACK SCENE. I will never again watch a film and be fulfilled unless there is a hippo attack scene. HIPPO. ATTACK. SCENE. My life is complete.

My quick rating 3,3/10. Another summer movie season, bring on the Asylum ripoffs. If you are unaware, every year Asylum makes low budget ripoffs of the summer hits and releases them to video right before the main movies. (don't believe me, click here and check their library) http://www.imdb.com/company/co0042909/ Anyway, the movie is bad, effects for the budget were fine, but sprinkle in a scene with an attack hippopotamus just to give you an idea of how stupid it is. THe characters are all morons EXCEPT for the daughter who earns bonus points for doing something you rarely see in movies: She took her work shoes OFF when she knew she had to run down a few flights of stairs. Kudos for realism. Anyway that was the highlight, well that and getting to see Los Angeles wiped out of the United States wasn't bad either. (I think we will be seeing that happen with a far larger budget in about...well now since it opens in the USA today. So Asylum wins again and I waste 1.5 hours watching yet another one of their terrible movies. And now for you reading this that didn't know about them, I bet you go and find a few of your favorites that they have destroyed (Avengers, Fast and Furious, um, Terminator, Jurrasic park, the list never ends) and will agree with me in just how poor they are. Then also, like me, get the next one and watch it anyway (maybe later i'll check out "Tooken" the ripoff of "Taken" LOL. Enjoy.

Definitely worth watching. Some good effects of earthquake damage. The actors have been released from jail after promising never to do a movie together again. Overacting causes the ground to shake and it is picked up by some sensors. Women can't run. Los Angeles is shaking from a quake on the San Andreas, so the people are told to flee to the east. All lanes of the 10 freeway now go east. The writer probably did not know the San Andreas fault is east of Los Angeles. Still a fun movie. Everybody has a gun. New skyscrapers fall before the 100 year old hotel. It's OK to steal a car. Los Angeles drivers all leave their cars parked on roadsides with the windows rolled down and no Club on the steering wheel. There are some wires under the dash that hang down so you just rub them together to start the car. Whatever you do during an earthquake do not check on the baby hippo.Argue with the National Guard. Grab their gun. This is very good for Bad Movie Night. A 12.7 magnitude quake would wipe out all life on Earth except for a couple of hippos and a giraffe and some car thieves.

The very existence of this movie hinges on the similar title of Dwayne Johnson's San Andreas. Frankly, this movie doesn't warrant the free advertisement, or any buzz at all as it is horrible beyond expectation. There is no coherency from the plot, abundance of terrible CGI, and awful screenplay just for shock value. It practically has no redeeming value. Story follows a few people running around in earthquake, if one can call it story at all. The female lead is the typical soccer mom who has rigid expression, it's nigh impossible to determine whether she's smiling, cringing or having stare down with the camera man. Not to mention she does a lot of monologues, it's just eerie to behold. Effect is ranging from 80s sitcom or exclusively bad video game. A bunch of flying debris will not fool anyone, and that's one of the better ones. At its worst, the movie depicts explosions like they are graphic from weather news as people on-screen moan from boredom. Since characters fool around and make stupid decisions for the sake of action, it's clear that they don't even try anymore. Some of the scenes are laughably and incomprehensibly bad. It's also strange that it sometimes tries to pull off emotional scene while neither the acting nor the material is in any decent state to accomplish any sort of dramatic involvement. It focuses heavily on the parental and romantic relationship of the daughter, but they don't go beyond the script of lousy telenovela. With amazingly awful production value and incredibly bad screenplay even for cheap knock-off, the best thing one can do is stay away from San Andreas Quake.