Modern Vampires

"Modern Vampires" is one of the cleverest vampire films ever. **SPOILERS** Vampire Dallas (Casper Van Dien) returns to LA, driving Art Gallery Owner/Vampire Ulrike (Kim Cattrall) and her friends Vincent, (Udo Kier) Richard (Craig Ferguson) and Panthia (Natasha Andrejchencho) into a wild frenzy. The Count (Robert Pastorelli) wants him out of LA, as does vampire hunter Dr. Van Helsing, (Rod Steiger) who begins a giant frenzy to kill off the vampires. He begins recruiting others to join him, Time Bomb, (Gabriel Casseus) Soda Pop, (Victor Togunde) Li'l Monster, (Cedrick Terrell) and Trigger (Flex Alexander) and together they head off after The Hollywood Slasher, Nico, (Natasha Gregson Wagner) a fellow vampire. Trying to get her away from their group because the Count is angry with her for almost exposing vampires to the world, she is forced to stay with Dallas and Richard. After a series of altercations, Dallas and Nico are forced out onto the run as both the Count's gang and Van Helsing's squad close in on the vampires. Everyone finally gathers together at the Count's home to have their final showdown. The Good News: What I really like about this film is really the black comedy vibe that it has. It was obviously made with tongue so firmly in cheek that almost everyone the film looks to be enjoying themselves. With such a giant cast, this may seem like a very hard statement to make, but everyone really shines in their scenes. What really helps the film is the way that the vampires in the film are not depicted as traditional vampires. They weren't shadowy, vile creatures only concerned with hunting down mortals and drinking their blood. They are depicted as having their own society full of rules and social stature, and they look out for each other as well. It was certainly different to see that kind of vampire film. It was also nice to see them after-hours, drinking and dancing and having a general good time. It was fun to watch them be so out of character that watching them act so unusual that it made the movie itself. The film also had a ton of gore. There are tons of neck biting, as well as several bloody staking and other forms of bodily harm. Several are set are fire or are violently shot to death. This is a gore-hounds dream, as there are lots of great kills with tons of bloodletting. There was also a lot of good humor in the movie. Because Van Helsing decides to fight his war with gang-members, there is a lot of humor watching an old German man trying to communicate with twenty-something Black men. That in itself is comedy gold, and here it works. That concept even sounds funny when you really think about it. The Bad News: The campy attitude that the film does take with the vampires will more than likely offset true vampire film lovers. It really makes them out as freaks rather than as feared creatures of the night, and this is a new take that many will not necessarily approve of. Other than this little grip, the only other complaint was the fact that it had way too many characters for people to get a handle of. I had to learn about three different characters merely after they were dead and someone else was commenting on them. That to me screams, "Cut down the cast before the cameras roll, not during." The Final Verdict: This is a good, interesting vampire film that could really become a cult classic. It has everything required to become one, and vampire fans will want to check this out now. Rated R: Graphic Language, Graphic Violence, Nudity, a quick sex scene, and drug use

Director Richard Elfman is on the verge of making it big, all he needs is for a studio to give him a ton of money! "Modern Vampires" is a well-made, serious (yet comic) tale of eclectic vampires living it up in Los Angeles. Yes, we have a service provided by "The Count" to Pick-up those tedious left-over drained bodies, blood on tap at your local all-you can eat People served at the local Dance-halls, a real appreciation for cheezy European accents, and just a glimpse of what Jerry Springer's show would be like could vampires actually hang out in public! Anyone who has a real appreciation for movies such as Trey Parker/Matt Stone's Cannibal: The Musical, or Peter Jackson's Dead Alive and/or Bad Taste, will easily be able to get the point of this movie. (Pun somewhat intended) I strongly recommend this film if you're in the mood for some light-hearted entertainment. I very much look forward to future works by Mr. Elfman!

source: Modern Vampires

I had to stop and ask: Am I laughing because it's stupid? or am I laughing because it's funny. That seems to be the dilemma. It took several viewings for me to determine the outcome of that quandary. While there are some excellent elements here, both in the genre of horror and comedy, the blend is terribly uneven. This movie tries to be unpredictable and raw, but instead, what it delivers is anything but the sophisticated humor it promises. It is not quite the giggle-fest some seem to think it is; for the most part, there was more eye-rolling than genuine laughs. Kim Cattrall adds to this production what sophistication there is, while Casper Van Dien lends the eye candy element for those of you who are interested in that sort of thing. The principal wretched element in this movie was Dr. Van Helsing (Rod Steiger) and his hapless sidekick, Time Bomb (Gabriel Casseus of "Fallen"). As in they are a joke, rather than being funny, they are just ridiculous as vampire hunters. The way their first victim just lies there and waits for Time Bomb to sort out his probational priorities with Van Helsing's heart attack before he is killed, was just infantile. His "Black Pack" pushing the van chasing after the bad guys was just stupid. I honestly have no idea what to make of the ratings this movie has received. I fully appreciate and love dark humor, but this just is not it. This is some cheap teen-aged-level rip off of dark humor. It's not even good enough to be considered true camp. The general consensus here at the Fiend's house is that it's funny because it is stupid, rather than being cleverly witty. Does that make it good camp? or just another inanity? I have two votes for inanity, and it is a conclusion with which I tend to agree. That not withstanding, this movie does have a few enjoyability factors. I did learn one thing from this movie: if you're on fire, you can't put yourself out with a garden hose. It is absolutely putrid! It rates a 2/10 from... the Fiend :.

This is one of the most unconventional movies I have ever seen. It is obvious these guys had tremendous fun making this flick and so will you, if you have a strong stomach. As an aside, the female cast is gorgeous and offer additional redemption.

*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT* Certain actors appearing in a B-movie scream quality. I'm talking about such heavyweights as Mario Van Peebles or Ice-T. Now add Casper Van Dien to that roll call of B-movie greatness. I long for the day when all three of those giants show up in the same movie. I can see the video box now: VAN Peebles and VAN Dien in "Kill Shoot II!" My VCR would explode with delight. "Modern Vampires" continues Van Dien's tradition of quality B-mayhem. He's a vampire in L.A. and things happen. My God, how could you ask for more? The blood and naked breasts are out of control. One scene in a clothing store has Natasha Wagner making out with another vampire woman. WOO-HOO! Loved it. Rod Steiger shows up to kill some vampires and he brings some gang members with him. If you're a Van Dien believer like I am, check this one out. I'm not saying this movie is scary or even pretends to be a horror movie, but it delivers the sleaze to please.

Has Casper Van ever made a film that was actually good? We have Rod Steiger eating the scenery with an accent, Kim Cattrall, Udo Kier... but it doesn't know what it wants to be - horror, comedy, melodrama - so it gets increasingly awkward, no one's very likeable and it keeps on getting all American heartfeely and bonding on us.

Horror interesting enough to keep you watching. Despite what others may say about the "rules" of the Vampires, I think that they are great! It is awesome in the way that it includes sex and humor with plenty of hard core gore scenes. Definitely see this movie!!!!

Other than Rod Steiger doing this tongue in cheek imitation of Laurence Olivier's Mitteleuropa accent and having a ball as a modern Dr. Van Helsing, this rather witless comedy might go over with the juvenile trade, but not too many others. It certainly does make vampires out to be such fun creatures. Natasha Gregson Wagner and Casper Van Dien are a couple of modern vampires who are tired of the rule of that most notorious vampire of them all, Count Dracula as played by Robert Pastorelli. But all of them have to worry that that famous vampire slaughterer Van Helsing who's on the prowl with some new kind of help, a few boys from the hood. Except when Steiger was on the screen I didn't get too many laughs out of this film though. Maybe it's because my taste in music just doesn't run to rap which blares at intervals during the movie. There is one other good scene I did like. Kim Catrall pulling a freight train with the Van Helsing helpers and turning them all into vampires. It's the inevitable result of sex with one. For the juvenile trade strictly.

I'm used to low level on vampire movies, but this one is easily picked out as one of the worst of it's class. The only thing that keeps me from giving it a 1 is that the climax was pretty funny in a "this movie is so stupid I gotta laugh" sort of way.