Kiss Me Monster

I rather enjoyed the first RED LIPS movie, "Two Undercover Angels", despite its shortcomings, but "Kiss Me, Monster" is not just a step down, it's a high dive. This sequel is a totally incomprehensible collage of random scenes and makes its predecessor look like a model of narrative coherence and logical progression. What's more, the English dubbing is even worse this time, if that's conceivable. Even Janine Reynaud and Rosanna Yanni seem to have lost most of the spirit they had in the first movie. Besides Yanni's killer body, the film has very little going for it and it probably ranks as one of the worst spy entries of the 1960s. I give it 0.5 out of 4 stars.

With Christmas coming up I started searching round for films from auteur director "Uncle" Jess Franco that I could give to a friend as a gift.Taking a look at the titles that Anchor Bay had put out,I spotted a weird looking Spy flick,which led to me getting ready to go spying with Uncle Jess. The plot: Returning from their latest spy mission, Diana and Regina are told that they must go and track a missing Doctor Beltran who has created a formula for super- humans (as you do!) Attempting to gather info on the Beltran's location,Diana find themselves hitting dead ends,when their informants begin to get mysteriously killed.Going undercover as a nightclub act on an island,the duo soon begin using their charms on island leader Eric Vicas,who they each suspect has something to do with the killings and Beltran's disappearance. View on the film: Trimmed down from its Spanish version,co-writer/(along with Luis Revenga & Karl Heinz Mannchen) director Jess Franco offers a deliciously scrambled mix of dazzling psychedelic glamour and slick spy murky dealings.Whilst the movie has weirdly been rated 18/R in the UK, (despite there being no swearing,and only a few topless glimpses from the very sexy leading ladies)Franco gives Diana & Regina a jet set lifestyle,as Uncle Jess trademark zoom button is drizzled with vivid reds and yellows which keep up with Diana and Regina's breezy friendship,whilst the smooth Jazz from Jerry van Rooyen keeps the dirty spy dealings bubbling away. Whilst covering the duo in a glamorous appearance,the writers cross light Comedy one liners with surprisingly ruthless double dealings,as Diana and Regina's high-kicking adventures are met by back stabbing killings of anyone who tries to help the girls out! Despite their voices being dubbed,the stunning Janine Reynaud & Rosanna Yanni both give terrific performances as Diana and Regina,thanks to Reynaud and Yanni giving them a sweet natured warmth,with sly hints of the cunning espionage skills being hidden from view,as Uncle Jess joins in on the spying game.

Unfortunately the version of 'Kiss Me Monster' I watched was the 75 minute, badly dubbed version. I'm blaming most of the movie's inadequacies on that. I enjoyed 'Sadisterotica' as a change of pace for Jess Franco - a campy spy thriller rather than his more typical erotic nightmares on film - but this is nowhere near as good. The 'Red Lips' detective team (Janine Reynaud and Rosanna Yanni) return, as do a few Franco regulars. The plot this time around is paper thin. Some sheet music leads the girls to an island where a missing scientist has been experimenting on people. They pose as saxophonists (!) while they investigate the mysterious goings on there, which somehow involve a secret cult. There's all the usual double crosses, plot twists, skimpy outfits, and a totally gratuitous go-go dancing sequence, but the emphasis this time around is more on humour ("humour" - it isn't the least bit amusing) rather than action. Not Franco's best effort, and certainly not a good introduction to his oeuvre. 'Vampiros Lesbos' and 'Succubus' are still the best way for newcomers to begin.

When one of the first scene of a film contains the line, "Well, let me tell you the story about what happened," you know that you're in for a classic. This is that kind of classic. KISS ME MONSTER is a short, sometimes dull, and always sleazy film that makes you wish there were still drive-ins. How else could this have made it into theaters, except for maybe a few grindhouses. KISS ME MONSTER is a hodge-podge of cliches, lots of red herrings, and a plot that is practically indescribable. In fact, I'm not sure if there really is a plot, just a series of scenes that are excuses to show the two female leads in different stages of undress. The dialogue is ridiculous (to be fair, this may be the fault of the below-par dubbing), and the characters are mostly unlikable. But, in its own cynical yet silly way, the film has its charms. The blonde lead is very attractive, and she gives karate-chops, too. Plus, Jesus Franco, as cheap a director as he is, usually accomplishes come good photography. Plus, some of the jazz on the soundtrack is pretty good. I liked KISS ME MONSTER, but for all the wrong reasons. I laughed out-loud so many times, I kept wondering if it was supposed to be funny. Alas, I don't think so. If anyone can explain how the plot leads to the island with the mad scientist, please let me know. Because I was scratching my head the whole time...

Anyone with a super-8 camera (with bad dub added later), various luxurious sets, several tiny Euro-Convertibles, a few long-legged call-girls in mini-skirts, several cute college guys, and a few hours to blow, could have made this film, and probably done a better job. The story appears to be made up as they go. A team of "stewardess-like" knock-outs in cool (skin-tight) outfits are on to some spy stuff, people get murdered wherever they show up, all of which is handled with total calm and matter-of-factness. Oops, a man just got stabbed as he's giving a clue (I wish I had received a clue, but no such luck). One more dead, better get out our costumes and into something else. The mad scientists's wife is dead! Oh my! What now? On with the mindless plot, and on, and on, and on. This isn't "camp" it's TORTURE! Absolutely awful! Suddenly the films made by Edd Wood look like masterpieces. Give me "Refer Madness", "Pink Flamingos" or "Plan 9 From Outer Space". "Kiss Me Monster" all of a sudden has no equal as the absolute worst film ever made. I've seen a lot of movies, but this one needs to be pulverized and sent into Outer Space, it's THAT BAD!

I'm not sure how to describe a non-existent plot, but I'll give it a try. Two women, posing as a nightclub act, go to an island to investigate something. Everywhere they go, people (I have no idea who these people are) end up dying - sometimes stabbed in the back while in mid-sentence. Of course there's no sign of the killer. Eventually, I think they find whatever it is they're looking for because there is much rejoicing. This movie is BAD. And, I don't mean bad in a way that can be enjoyable to make fun of. This is the kind of put-you-to-sleep-because-it-makes-no-sense bad. I got the impression that the story was being written at night on cocktail napkins for the next day's shoot. It's the only way I can explain it because I can't imagine anyone sitting down and writing something this bad unless they were drunk (either that or it was written by monkeys). I defy anyone to watch this movie and tell me exactly what's going on. I'm not giving it a 1/10 because it does have a couple of redeeming qualities. What they are escapes me at the moment, but I distinctly remember enjoying at least one scene - it may have been a shot of palm trees. Plus, believe it or not, I've seen much worse.

Regina (Rosanna Yanni, Count Dracula's Great Love) and Diana (Janine Reynaud, The Case of the Scorpion's Tail) are back again for the third Red Lips movie from Jess Franco. If the last film - Two Undercover Angels - made no sense, guess what? This one doubles down, almost a stream of conscious film made up of murders, jazz clubs, stripteases, our girls play saxophones and near-escapes. The sell copy for this claims, "Stiffs, Satanists and Sapphic sadists all after a secret formula for human clones!" Maybe it's the fact that I watched Jess Franco movies one after another and pounded what's left of my brain into puddy, but I loved every single minute of this movie. Also known as Castle of the Doomed, it feels like Franco ran out of ideas here and just decided to have more things happen to the point that continuity and plot became the contrivances that lesser people try to bring up as necessary elements for a movie. Nope. Not to Jess Franco. Knife throwing clones? Evil lesbians? Good lesbians? Satanic murderers? Yeah. It's got all that and an ending that doesn't solve anything. The failure of this movie would bring an end to the girls' adventures until 1999's Red Silk. But I think you should only watch a few Jess Franco movies in a row if you want to survive. And my head is already throbbing. Also note: Two Undercover Angels had a monster in it. Kiss Me Monster has no monster. Somewhere in there is a koan that will change your life.

RELEASED IN 1969 and written & directed by Jesús Franco, "Kiss Me, Monster" stars Janine Reynaud (Diana) & Rosanna Yanni (Regina) as detective duo The Red Lips who seek the missing Doctor Beltran who has concocted a formula for super-human clones with the mental capacity of canines. Key informants keep winding up dead so the girls go undercover as a nightclub act on an island off the coast of Spain where they charm the mogul, Eric Vicas (Adrian Hoven), whom they suspect has something to do with the killings and the missing doctor. Quickie filmmaker Franco released 7 movies in 1969, including this one, which was shot in 24 days in August/September, 1967. It's the second of a duology featuring the detective pair; the first being "Sadist Erotica," which was released earlier in the year. Being thrown together so quickly, the plot is virtually incomprehensible unless you're aware of it up front (as described above). Another problem is the lousy dubbing, which (1.) doesn't fit the lips of the characters and (2.) isn't congruent in tone with what's happening on screen. But, if you can get past those flaws, there are several things to enjoy in this spy parody/adventure, which comes across as a melding of late 60's flicks like Raquel Welch's "Fathom" (1967) and "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls" (1970), but worse than both due to the issues noted above. Some highlights include the Spanish coastal locations, the groovy percussion-oriented soundtrack, the late 60's chic and a few good-looking 60's babes. Speaking of which Reynaud was 37 during shooting and Yanni 29. Neither do much for me (they're a little too slinky), but I definitely prefer Reynaud as far as sex appeal goes. Unfortunately, with the exception of a couple of outfits, the 60's apparel they're laden with doesn't exactly augment their beauty. THE MOVIE RUNS 1 hour 15 minutes and was shot in Spain with one part in Munich, Germany. ADDITIONAL WRITERS: Luis Revenga & Karl Heinz Mannchen. GRADE: C-

Franco's sequel to his amusingly campy tongue-in-cheek spy romp "Two Undercover Girls" is an even more loopy, playful, and saucy outing that blithely eschews narrative coherence in favor of gloriously giddy and inane all-out lunacy. This time our luscious and vivacious Red Lips dynamic distaff super sleuth duo -- shrewd minx Diana (delicious redhead Janice Reynaud) and cheery airhead Regina (yummy blonde Rosanna Yanni) -- run afoul of a kooky assortment of folks who include masked cultists who resemble rogue Klu Klux Klan members and a team of lesbian feminists who are all after a secret formula for making human clones. Reynaud and Yanni display a positively infectious loose and natural on-screen chemistry; it's a total delight to see these lovely ladies banter and bounce off each other as they find themselves in one crazy situation after another: The gals pose as a sultry saxophone act, wear the wildest clothes, bust a few clunky karate chops, and even perform a smoking hot striptease number. Of course, this being a Franco flick there's the inevitable hilariously gratuitous and protracted nightclub set piece complete with funky uninhibited dancing and insanely blaring music. Why, Jess even tosses in a mild whipping and a decent smidgen of tasty bare female flesh for good measure. The cast have a field day with their broad roles: Adrian Hoven as the sinister Eric Vicas, Chris Howland as inept detective Francis McClure, Michael Lemoine as charming mad scientist Jacques Maurier, Ana Casares as vampy club owner Linda, and Manuel Velasco as affable playboy Andy. The richly saturated cinematography by Jorge Herrero and Franz Hofer gives the picture a dazzling vibrant look. Jerry van Rooyen's exuberant jazz score likewise hits the right-on groovy spot. An absolute wacky blast.

Several years ago I watched the film in which this is a sequel to, namely Sadisterotica (1969). I remember distinctly finding it to be fairly atrocious on the whole. To my pleasant surprise, a fellow, very kind IMDb user sent me a copy of its sequel; so what of Kiss Me, Monster? Well, it has to be said upfront that both movies do sport somewhat cool titles and the basic idea behind them is a pretty encouragingly good one. But from what I can fathom, this sequel is pretty much of a similar standard to its earlier equivalent. And this is not especially a good thing on balance. Once again, it focuses on two slinky female detectives, played once more by Janine Reynaud and Rosanna Yanni. They set out to investigate a new case in which song lyrics from the hand of a dead man leads to an island where a scientist has been creating muscle-bound mutants in red posing pouches. In order to get close to their adversaries, the two women go undercover as an erotic nightclub act. Various people are killed along the way and, well, we get to the finale somehow. In this film, stuff happens. That's as good a way of describing events as any, as the style that has been used to tell the story makes it a little hard to follow at times. Like most films from director Jess Franco, this one has pacing problems. Except in this case the problem is the exact opposite of what it usually is, in that unlike the slow pace of most of his other features this one is paced far too fast for its own good. When the main story thread got underway, it took me some time to realise that it wasn't a flashback I was watching such was the rapidity of events depicted – a bloke pitches up, is killed and the ladies are off and quickly encounter many characters in quick succession. In order to tell this particular plot-driven story Franco would have been better putting the brakes on here and there. Consequently, we hurtle through the narrative in a fast and haphazard fashion, meaning it's not easy to keep fully engaged with events. Similar to Sadisterotica this one also sports dubbing of the bottom of the barrel variety. I don't mind dubbing generally but this stuff just sounds like voice-overs too upfront in the mix that only vaguely connects to the characters on-screen. I couldn't pretend to say I found this to be a good film but it does have definite Euro cult value and its general bizarreness does count for something at least. I reckon though if you need to see a Franco effort in the spy genre then The Girl from Rio (1969) is for me the best he has executed of this type. The very fact that Jess knocked out all three of these spy movies I have mentioned in this review in one year (plus a whole bunch of other flicks also) probably gives you a good idea why the likes of this one seems a little…rushed.