Hobgoblins

I can't review this without mentioning MST3K, since even a tenth of the reviews and responses this film has received would not be here if Hobgoblins hadn't been featured in their 9th season. As of this writing, it's still available on DVD in Rhino's MST3K volume 8 boxed set. While there's no official consensus, I believe that this it the only true "Maw of Hell" caliber film they did for Sci-fi channel (see the Amazing Colossal Episode Guide). While most movies in that category tend to come from the the mid 60s (the oily period), this one from the 80s was far more excruciating for me since that was the decade of my childhood. Nearly every positive memory of 80s pop culture was unearthed, beaten with garden tools, urinated on, and then reburied in a humorous position. And I wasn't even one of the badly scarred viewers. Since there are already over 150 reviews of this film on this site, they probably don't need another synopsis of this movie. To explain just how bad this movie is, I need to tell a story of the second time I saw it with a group of people, in the spring of 2000. I'd already shown these three friends half of Rhino's then released tapes, including Manos, Eegah, and Red Zone Cuba, all Maw of Hell caliber. It was a Friday night, so we stopped after the first quarter to watch Space Ghost, and the second for Gundam Wing, so the wretchedness unfolded upon them slowly. With no show to pause for after the third quarter, I made to fast forward through the commercial, only to be halted by their cries, begging me to stop. The youngest among us was actually curled into a fetal position, shuddering. They implored me to just give them a few minutes to recover, to which I responded, "Oh, well I know it's bad, but I guess I may be a little desensitized since..." Now these people were close friends with whom I had shared much, like confessing attractions to various cartoon characters as 3:00 AM, and my most bizarre substitute for toilet paper I've ever resorted to story. So I had freaked them out routinely in the past, but when I finished that sentence with "...I've already seen this 3 or 4 times.", that was the only time in my life that I have looked into the faces of other human beings and seen genuine horror. If you were just going by their reactions, you'd have sworn I'd said something more along the lines of, "Well, I know live puppies SEEM hard to chew at fist, but after my dog had her third litter..." And this was the MSTed version. I shudder to think of the effects of the uncut version, especially for the MST crew themselves, who had to watch this 10 times in a week. I'm not sure the show completely recovered after this; a little of the love seemed to be gone. So like I said: read other reviews for a synopsis. The point of mine was to warn all novices to watch as many other MST3K episodes as possible to soften the blow of this one. I've seen evidence of short-term mind-warping in viewers who made this their first MST, and long term trauma in those who actually watched the regular version. Follow these guidelines, and you'll find it a least as funny as it is painful.

This is the best movie ever! Steven Boggs is fantastic as the lusty Kyle, and the rest of the cast falls in line with him. The soundtrack is pure eighties delight--one scene even involves Steven Boggs dancing! Wow! If anybody has any information about Steven Boggs, please let me know. It's such a pity that he didn't make any more films. He was truly a fine actor.

Ever seen a movie that actually caused you pain to watch? This is movie is the poster child of that. The only reason I watched it at all was because it was on MST3K. HOBGOBLINS is without a doubt the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life. The story is stupid, so I won't go into much detail. I don't really remember many of the characters anyway. A loser named Kevin (Tom Bartlett) is trying to make his annoying and non-supportive girlfriend proud of him, so he takes a job as a security guard and unleashes a band of stupid-looking puppets called Hobgoblins, who kill people by giving them what they really want. The way this leads to people getting killed is very idiotic. The hobgoblins go on a rampage which results in one guy getting hurt a little and a car getting destroyed. The ending is also stupid and not worth bringing up. The acting is the worst I have ever seen. None of the actors went anywhere after this movie, nor did any of them deserve to. The special effects, if you can really call them that, were unforgivable. The hobgoblins themselves are the most fake looking puppets I have ever seen. Unless in MST3K, this movie should be avoided at all costs. I am only praying that some day the government will burn every copy still around, or maybe use it as a weapon in the army someday.

After Gremlins hit box office gold it must have seemed like a really good idea to rip it off. Unfortunately Hobgoblins lacks some of the key ingredients of Gremlins, notably the likable characters, plot, credibility and effects, and Gremlins was quite funny in places whereas Hobgoblins just isn't. In fiction good writers try hard to make you like the main character, that's how fiction has worked ever since some Greek guy put a mask on and pretended to be someone else. So what character have you got to bond with in Hobgoblins? How about a whiny henpecked little weasel in a dead end job with a totally frigid girlfriend and a bunch of friends that are more irritating than having Vanessa Feltz sewn into your face? His friends include a rake-fighting military tough guy, some weedy gay guy in red shorts and a girl so sexual that the mere sound of her boyfriends car horn causes her to lift her skirt up in anticipation. The film has one good idea, basically these hobgoblins can bring your every fantasy to life. Sadly this good idea is squandered by the actors sheer inability to act as well as plenty of scenes where they hug plush toys to themselves and try to act scared. There's not much logic to it either, the hobgoblins are supposedly locked safely away in a vault with a cage around it. But when we see it neither are even shut. How much effort would it have taken to shout at a stage hand to close them? Too much for this movie unfortunately. I couldn't escape the feeling that the people responsible for this film put in the very least effort they thought they could get away with. The poster (shown to your left) depicting a 50's pinup being bummed by a gremlin is pretty tacky too.

1. Aliens resemble plush toys and hand puppets, while having arms that don't function. 2. Aliens mastered intergalactic space travel, but they don't know how to push an unlocked vault door open, yet can push open a door being held shut by five people. 3. Old Security Guards know how to get a hold of C4, and are just waiting for the right time to use it, say, when they are suddenly fired for no explainable reason. 4. Apparently, US Army boot camp, in the 80's, involved several sessions of "garden tool combat", including the pirouette spin of death. 5. To impress your prudish girl friend, you have to "save the world...err...neighborhood" from aliens. 6. All women are sluts, either openly or secretly. 7. Scummy night clubs look like bad diners. 8. "Scummy" waitresses double as dancers for The Fontanelles (how did they get talked into this?) who can only do bad 60's dance moves. 9. Army privates secretly dream of being Rambo. 10. Grenades apparently have a setting for "flash-bang". 11. Being burned alive apparently only leaves one with minor burns on their arms. 12. US Army Staff Sargeants apparently happen to always be in the area and do nothing about aliens in the area. 13. Aliens apparently always "go home", which means back to the vault they were un-locked in. 14. Aliens are attracted to bright lights, which apparently means in the Los Angeles area one would assume, the protagonist's house is the most brightly lit thing in the area. 15. Showing 16 parking scenes in a movie makes the audience clamor for more. 16. Vans from the 80's apparently have horrible suspension systems. 17. Comedy is supposed to happen in this film. 18. Horror is supposed to happen in this film. 19. Spoofs and homages are supposed to happen in this film. 20. This film cures insomnia. 21. Apparently, garden tools make electronic keyboard noises whenever they are used, not just in fights (tell me I'm not the only one who noticed this). The simply truth is this film just came out wrong. Period. There isn't much meat on the bone, nor does it do anything really well. Even average. It's just bad. However, I've seen far worse, and the rake fight scene is pure comedy gold, intentional or otherwise. 2/10 - Jaws 4 was worse then this. At least the film never took itself seriously.

Wow, I just finally managed, after several attempts, to finish watching this god awful movie, only to learn that Rick Sloane and his production team have completed a straight-to-video sequel this year. Of all movies reviewed by MST3K--and they truly dig from the bottom of the barrel, screening the reputationally bad 'Manos,' 'Werewolf,' 'The Incredibly Strange,' and the lesser know disasters like 'Laserblast,' 'Zombie Nightmare,' and 'Time Chasers,'--this certainly has to be the absolute biggest pile of garbage they'd ever shown (which makes it perfect for riffing). Very simple, the movie is about a bunch of Munchies-like gremlins on the loose, exploiting people's desires for fame, fortune, prowess, and of course, sex in ways that end up with people getting killed. But this is the kind of movie where the acting is so ridiculous (a test of machismo, for example, is illustrated by two guys who battle in the front yard with garden tools), the writing is so forced (such as the oft-described scene of a gremlin hanging on the arm of one girl who would notice it, if only she turned her head a quarter to the left... and this isn't the first time in the movie this happens), and the story is so... rarely given attention (hence the MST3K riff about a "law in the future where films have to be made by FILMmakers), that you actually root for the furry puppets to kill off everyone on screen. Worst movie... ever.

There can be no questions of spoilers for this movie, the director beat us all too and spoiled this movie in oh so many ways. A blatant rip-off of stuff like Critters and Gremlins, this movie fails on so many levels to recapture the humour and horror of those better made films. It ends up a sleazy waste of time, where bad actors deliver bad dialogue in front of an idiot director, who occasionally tosses stuffed toys at them. They wrestle with said toys in much the same manner as old Tarzan films used to use rubber crocodiles, shaking them whilst screaming and trying their best to make it look slightly threatening. It's painful to watch, and not helped by the mental 80's fashions worn by the cast. Basically, some crazy little aliens who have been trapped by an aging security guard in a film lot finally get free after umpteen years confinement, and begin to telepathically screw around with peoples minds. The guards new recruit, the idiot who let them out despite repeated warnings, gets his gang of 80's friends together and they go off and have minor adventures together while trying to recapture the Grem... Hobgoblins. All life is here, with the gang consisting of a knucklehead jock, his 80's * girlfriend, the 'hero's frigid and prissy girlfriend, and the young hero, lacking in confidence and wishing his girlfriend would put out anyway. First off comes the infamous rake fighting scene, where the ex-military jock shows how he was trained in the army to be a bully, poking the nerdy hero with the wrong end of a rake for what seems like hours. Then there's some running around, terminating in a real pie-fight style ending in a scuzzy nightclub with comedy hand-grenades blowing up everything except the people standing right next to them. Then the film sorta ends, and alls well that ends well. It's not. This is like watching a train wreck, you cant take your eyes off it, it's so bad. Perfect fare for Mystery Science Theater, but god-awful should you try to watch it alone and uncut. The Fashion Police still have a number of outstanding warrants for the cast, and I dare anyone not to laugh in outright derision at the rake fight. This scores 2 out of 10 at most, on a good day.

If movies like Ghoulies rip off Gremlins, then Hobgoblins sinks to the new low of ripping off garbage like Ghoulies. These barely-animated furbies have some kind of scheme to fulfill fantasies (which involve basically groteque characters' sex dreams - oh joy), but what that has to do with anything is anybody's guess, except to let the director indulge his kinky penchant for erotica. They show this down in the 8th circle of Hell, one suspects. There's no real plot - just "goblins - kill!" and feeble attempts at humor and a mild attempt to arouse the viewing audience.

For starters, "Hobgoblins" tries to ape the more successful "Gremlins". That's bad enough but they don't even try to make anything that closely resembles a movie here. Instead, it's more like a bargain basement, everything-must-go clearance of embarrassing scenes, inappropriate sound FX, acting as bland as unflavored tapioca and a script that takes everything humans hold sacred in their motion pictures and throws 'em down the old tube-aroo. The plot? Grrrr.... Meddling kids track down gremlin-like creatures from movie lot before they kill people by projecting their fantasies. Sound cool, does it? Well, see that wall on the other side of your room? Run right at it, top speed, face first. See, THAT is cooler than this movie. You dare to doubt? Quick, name something else one of the leads has been in other than this. What other scripts have the writers done since "Hobgoblins"? Name another Rick Sloane directoral effort. How many "Hobgoblins" action figures do you have? See? THANK you. I cannot believe I took so long to write about such a horrible film. I'd rather write about more important things; like the separation of church and state, economic restructuring in Europe, that kind of thing. But no, "Hobgoblins" it is and it is bad - bad like your grandparents' wallpaper, bad as pink flamingos on your lawn, bad like underwear that says "Home of the Whopper"...and I think we'll stop there. Well, Mike and the robots fight valiantly but try as they might, they can do only so much with "Hobgoblins" before they realize that, yes, the director DOES need kicked in the shin. Real, real hard. One star for "Hobgoblins", seven stars for the MST3K version.

****MINOR SPOILERS*** As a bad movie connoisseur I must have viewed hundreds of bad movies and yet "Hobgoblins" stands apart from all others in it's own unique way. Classic baddies such as "The Creeping Terror," "The Mighty Gorga" and "Manos" are uniformly bad from start to finish. "Hobgoblins" on the other hand, starts off bad and gets progressively worse as it goes. During my first viewing of the infamous rake fight scene I thought to myself that this was a truly bad film. I was blissfully unaware that I had just seen the best that this movie had to offer. The movie takes its most massive nosedive into celluloid hell during the painfully inept "Club Scum" sequence which is a continuous string of one unfunny joke after another. With just this one film, director Rick Sloane proves that he deserves mention alongside the likes of Coleman Francis and Bill Rebane as one of the worst directors of all time. How bad can a bad movie be? Watch "Hobgoblins" and wonder no longer.