Gonks Go Beat

source: Gonks Go Beat

This is a totally weird 60s rock-n-roll musical send-up of Romeo and Juliet centering on two squabbling islands: Beatland and Ballad Isle. Intergalactic ambassador Wilco Roger is summoned to resolve the differences between the communities, employing the tactic of uniting a Beatland boy and a Ballad Isle girl; if he is unsuccessful he faces exile to Planet Gonk (inhabited by some strange doll-like creatures that apparently were based on a popular toy of the time). Despite the presence of Ginger Baker, Jack Bruce, Graham Bond and Lulu, the music here is nothing special. The music by the Beatlanders is typical of mid 60s rock rave-ups (watch for the lead singer/guitarist for The Long and the Short doing his best "Enzyte Bob" impression during their number "Love is a Funny Thing"!) , while the music favored by Ballad Isle consists of some of the sappiest ballads imaginable (the best way I could describe them would be to imagine the late 50s light pop group The Fleetwoods on Prozac). We're also treated to musical sequences featuring a band playing instrumental rock while driving down a deserted airstrip and a nine drummer prison jam session (neither of which serve much purpose other than padding the movie's run time) and a wacky "battle" sequence between both factions with musical instruments used as weapons. All this leads to the Golden Guitar contest pitting both islands against each other (which usually ends in a draw). Lulu's song "I'm the Only One" is pleasant but not exactly memorable, and The Nashville Teens' "Poor Boy" comes nowhere close to matching their hit "Tobacco Road". The bargain basement budget is readily apparent in the cheap set designs and the minimal special effects (watch for Wilco Roger ducking into the cloud of smoke as he makes his first entrance). If there was anything resembling a highlight here it would be the opening credits sequence featuring the Gonks grooving among construction paper/contact paper animation (to the song "Choc Ice", sung by Lulu with her voice altered almost to the point where she starts sounding like Cartman); it's pretty much all downhill after that.

What is it with British musicals with aliens coming to Earth to learn about music this week? Well, here's another - 1964's Gonks Go Beat - based on the fad for toys called gonks, which were created by British inventor Robert Benson. At their peak, gonks were collected by Ringo Starr and Peter Sellers. They were quite literally the first toy craze in England post-World War II. This movie was absolutely savaged in its original release. Reviewers claimed that it had no appeal to any cinema audience demographic and it's often compared to Plan 9 from Outer Space for its sheer ineptitude. If you read this sentence and thought to yourself, "Where can I find this movie?" then welcome. You're amongst friends. This whole mess is directed by Robert Hartford-Davis, who was behind one of my favorite Peter Cushing movies, 1968's Corruption (if you haven't seen the trailer, it will warn you that it's not a woman's picture repeatedly) as well as the amazingly titled Incense for the Damned. Kenneth Connor from the Carry On series stars as alien Wilco Roger and Frank Thornton shows up as Mr. A & R. You may know him better as Captain Peacock from Are You Being Served? The real reason to watch this is to see performances by The Nashville Teens, members of the Graham Bond Organisation including Ginger Baker, Jack Bruce and Dick Heckstall-Smith, Ray Lewis and the Trekkers, The Long and the Short, The Trolls, The Vacqueros and Lulu and the Luvvers. Yes, Lulu of "To Sir, With Love" and "The Man with the Golden Gun" fame. So anyway, at some point in our future, Earth is broken into two camps: you either live in Beatland and are hip and trendy or you live on Ballad Isle and are clean and tidy. Every year, the islands battle in a musical competition. If Wilco Roger can't get the two islands to get along, he's going to be sent to Planet Gonk, filled with those toys and Dixieland jazz. He joins up with Mr. A & R to unite a Beatland Boy and a Ballad Island girl, which of course happens thanks to the song "Takes Two to Make Love." I mean, if you watch one movie where aliens come to England to discover love, we gave you two options this week. At this rate, Xanadu is going to feel like a Busby Berkely movie.

The Great Galaxian (who he?) is troubled that planet Earth has split into two places, Beatland and Balladisle, so he sends an ambassador to try and bring peace to the warring musical tribes. He sends Wilco Roger (that's about the film's level of humour) who is notorious for not being good at his job. As played by Kenneth Connor he's also rather irritating. To no one's surprise he succeeds. On the way there are lots of music and a Romeo and Juliet romance, which is quite insipid. Unfortunately the music is not that memorable, the dancing embarrassing and the acting is a bit pallid. Terry Scott mugs in his usual annoying way. Frank Thornton as A&R Man just about manages to keep his dignity. The sets are colourful so it looks appealing but that's about the only thing in the film's favour. The only time the movie comes alive is during the 'Drum Battle' sequence which is most exciting.

A Space diplomat is deployed to prevent the two countries of Earth from fighting, Beat land and Ballard Isle. They are going to have a show down in the annual music contest. This movie isn't that weird once you get past the premise, it's 5 minutes of plot then a musical performance. The breakup is a lot in the style of a pantomime. The premise is better than the movie, I found myself bored while watching my eyelids fell a few times. It's Trolls world tour but made 60 years before it. This is beats vs ballards, trolls world tour is pop vs rock. If you want a really weird movie this isn't it.

I often suspect that dreadful films like this are produced as a tax loss. Make a film and pay yourself a fat wage for doing it - the film goes nowhere and makes a loss. This doesn't matter because you have already paid yourself - and your fees are simply written off as part of the whole loss. As for a review - there is nothing of merit in the stupid songs that are mimed to or the idiotic convoluted story line. It would seem that the whole thing was made up as they went along - with certain parties being paid along the way.

I think if I'm right this is the Ian Gregory who worked with Joe meek great all star cast a film wouldn't be complete without kenneth Connor love frank truly Thornton it's a bit dated but typical of the great music films such as dateline diamonds and I've gotta horse I'm a fan of sixties music and music films

While a few of the songs are actually good, otherwise this is a 100% horrible film--embarrassing to watch and of great value to bad movie buffs. I think the plot really says all I need to say about it. Intergalactic weirdos (including ladies wearing bug-like antennae) have a meeting to discuss problems on Earth. It seems that an island of rockers and an island of balladeers hate each other and are fighting a never-ending battle through rock concerts! As for the rock, it's mostly third-rate, though there is a great number involving JUST a large group of drummers (lead by the famous Ginger Baker of Cream). As for the ballads, they all are whiny drivel. So, to fix things, agent Wilco Roger is sent to the islands with his magic powers and insipid cuteness. When a rocker falls for a balladeer, you realize this is a sick and twisted reworking of Romeo & Juliet! Too bad, like the original source material, they didn't just kill themselves--now THAT would have been cool! Aside from the insane plot and mostly bad music, you have tons of garish costumes and sets (where the color yellow dominates) and rotten acting...rotten. In fact, there's nothing about the story that is good in any way--and is reminiscent of "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians".

As far as I can make out, "gonks" were very popular, stuffed furry toys in Britain during the 1960s. But in the 1965 British sci-fi musical "Gonks Go Beat," they are also the inhabitants of planet Gonk, the Siberia of the galaxy, where washouts from the galactic Space Congress are sent as punishment. And that is precisely what will happen to agent Wilco Roger (inanely played by Kenneth Connor, of the "Carry On" films) if he fails in his current mission: to bring together the diametrically opposed inhabitants of Earth's Beat Land island and Ballad Isle. To accomplish this seemingly impossible task (the residents of Beat Land are proto-hipsters who only dig high-powered rock and blues; those on Ballad Isle prefer incredibly insipid music of the show tune variety), Wilco--with the assistance of a Wizard of Oz-like character known only as Mr. A & R--hatches a scheme, a la "Romeo and Juliet," to unite the two lands. Anyway, "Gonks Go Beat" is practically indescribable; I guarantee that you have never seen a picture quite like it. Basically an excuse to showcase a slew of British musical numbers (and a generous 16 such are offered up; half rockers, half ballads), the film is otherwise an inane, somewhat boring, occasionally trippy outing that certainly serves as a time capsule of sorts for what passed as "mod" in 1965. The ballads on display here range from excruciating ("Love Is a Dream") to incredibly wimpy ("Broken Pieces") to pleasant ("Penny For Your Thoughts"). As for the rockers, the highlights (for this old Cream fan, anyway) are certainly the Graham Bond Organisation (featuring Jack Bruce on bass and Ginger Baker on drums) pounding out "Harmonica," as well as a segment entitled "Drum Battle," in which Ginger and seven other skin pounders are lined up in two rows, facing each other, and just go at it. Ultimately, the two island nations agree on one song that is agreeable to them both, "Takes Two to Make Love," an upbeat, pleasant but decidedly Broadway show tunish number that should satisfy very few. Take the legendary 1964 film "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" and combine with an episode of the then-popular TV program "Shindig!" and you'll have a rough approximation of what to expect here. Good luck with this one!

Far better cinema lies lost and forgotten. I confess to actually seeing this on its release at the local flea-pit. In mitigation, I claim to have been dragged there by an older sister. I was about 14 years old at the time and blame that viewing for reversing my puberty. Or something... Gonks were a sort of precursor to the 'Cabbage-Patch Doll'. They enjoyed a very brief and over-hyped fashion boom. And I suspect this movie was all part of the same, though it pretty well proved to be the kiss of death, for obvious reasons to those who have viewed it. At the time I thought it pointless, but interesting for the music. Can't remember my sister's opinions. Two feuding nations called Beatland and Ballad-isle. Yeah, right. Other commentators seem to have missed the best joke of the movie. The Martian's name is Wilco Roger. That's the reverse of 'Roger, wilco'. Get it? Hilarious. It was the radio response from 'Carry On Cabbie' also starring Kenneth Connor. I don't think it won any Oscars.