Girl in Gold Boots

source: Girl in Gold Boots

OK, this movie is so boring, ooooooooh sooooooooo boring.... no no you don't get it it's SO BORING IT HURTS!!!!!! it gave everyone i watched it with headaches...we actually started to bite our fingers just to have something to do... it physically hurts.... only thing i paid attention to were the MST3K comments.... and the dancing, ooooh the dancing. Basically it's about everything else other than what it's supposed to be about. Girl hooks up with dude turned drug dealer, young dashing bohemian dude drags along and becomes the janitor/songwriter in the club the aforementioned girl was... hmpfff... dancing. YOU'RE LIVING A LIE, YOU DANCE LIKE A CLOWN (more like a COW), I HOPE THAT YOU DIE! i mean c'mon, Steven Hawking dances better... My advice, never ever ever EVER try to watch it outside of MST3K.

One word to describe this movie: bad. The editing is horrible. And the acting and screenplay can be described in the same way. Whoever wrote this movie should have looked up plot in the dictionary. Never see this movie without Mike, Crow and Servo. It is the only way you can watch it. Save yourself the pain.

This movie was slightly better than Hobgoblins. MST3K gave it the treatment it deserved.

When I first watched this piece of junk, it was in the company of my MST3K buddies, Mike and his irrepressible funny robots Crow and Tom Serbo...thank goodness for such an occasion, because frankly there is no way in hell I would have seen it "MST3K-free"!! For a moment, I could've sworn the Buzz character was Regis Philbin in his early acting career before "Regis and Kathy Lee" hit the spotlight well over a decade later (hey, got to start somewhere!)... until the credits later rolled and discovered it was a total unknown by the name of Tom Pace (WHO???) Some bubble-headed coffee-shop gal takes up on an offer to ride with the RP look-alike, picking up a simpleton loser named Critter in the process, and heading for possibly the biggest Red Light District L.A. has to offer...just so she can be a dancer! God, what a waste of film! Throw in some real bad acting, atrocious editing (The U.S.S. Enterprise had to be orbiting Earth that day because the way Buzz suddenly "beams" into the screen in the restaurant booth...), the sleaziest, oil-enhanced night club owners ever seen, not to mention a senseless dune buggy shot, an unheard-of prison system program with thugs walking in and out of a jail at will, lousy songs and the Beach Boy-wannabes that perform them, and finally a dialog that can only compete with that of a '70s porno flick, and you've got yourself two choices: Watch it on its original version in which case you will senselessly throw away two hours of your lifetime...or watch the MST3K Version, and get yourself a bucketful of laughs. The guys from the Satellite of Love will brand it their hysterical form of justice.

This is a film that I watched for the first time on Mystery Science Theater 3000 which is not surprising as this is not something I would even try to watch without them. Usually, when I did see a movie they riffed before I saw it on their show it was a horror film or science fiction one. All the biker ones and Ed Wood ones I usually saw on that show first. This is probably due to the fact that I can watch a bad or horrible horror film, but anything else to me is just hard to stomach if it is bad. This film was pretty bad as it does not really have much to it to begin with. Starts out as a traveling type film where a group of people are on the road and trying to get to California. Then the film becomes the precursor to Showgirls. Okay, that is not fair at all...to this film! The plot is all over the place, the person they seem to frame as the hero is not and a guy who you think is going to be inconsequential ends up being the most important character. Of course, one does get to see lots of attractive girls dancing during one stretch of the film. The story is a bit all over the place as we start out with a girl who works at a place called, Eat with her alcoholic dad. A guy named Buz comes in and changes her life forever as he means to rob the place, but never gets around to it and soon he and Michele soon are headed for California where Buz's sister is a dancer for a nightclub and he thinks Michele can be a good dancer too! He also wants to do the nasty with her and he thinks that she has lots of money. They soon team up with a guy named Critter and get him to join their group as well because Buz mistakenly thinks he is loaded too and soon the are becoming fast friends and on their way to California right after Buz has to rob a gas station to finally get enough money to get there. They end up at a nightclub called the Haunted House where the band plays the same song over and over and girls flop around on stage and Michele can easily do this so she is soon replacing Buz's sister as the main attraction, but what does Buz care as he is too busy setting up a crime that involves breaking into a prison and somehow getting out. Meanwhile, Critter just wants to get Michele out of there! This made for a very funny episode of MST3K, but I do think there had to be a lot left on the floor with this one. Just too many jump cuts to random scenes like the guy with the dune buggy and the scene where Buz randomly pops up at the table where Michele and Critter are having a conversation. The film's run time also says there is a cut of the film that runs 102 minutes so maybe the missing footage would explain just how Buz got out of that prison and other questions. Or maybe, the missing sections featured topless dancers which would have been even better than finding out how he got out of prison! Still, not going to track down an uncut copy of the film to find out as I kind of doubt it features lots of nudity. So a bad film, yes! Not sure it was as bad as it looked featured on MST3K as it was cut a good deal for the show. It may even be worth a couple of more points on the score card if there were some hot scenes. Then again, if the scenes involved Buz or Leo it might have gotten deducted a few points too! Even with the edits, the film still plays out like two films as it does start out more focused on Buz, Michele and Critter's journey to California and then kind of slams on the breaks as they make their way to the Haunted House where only the dancing girls makes the film watchable. Still, gotta love the name of that restaurant...Eat!

Truly an awful movie with cornball acting, and the characters so, what's the word I'm looking for,,,,standard. Don't make any excuses for this movie, Mike and the bots were right on in lambasting it. I guess * movies are just fair game to rip ala Showgirls, Striptease, and most porno flicks. 1 out of 10 for the movie, 8 out of 10 for the mst3k version. "Oh I use to have such a pretty mind!"

...That really shouldn't have been combined. One half of the film is a woman chasing her dream of being a go-go dancer. The other half is about the seedy side of drug use, and drug pushers. Some films do well against the test of time. This one fell flat 10 seconds after its release. Bad acting and a second-rate band shoot this one down.

If Offbeat Cinema hasn't grabbed Girl In Gold Boots for one of their late evenings roasts than they are not doing their job in finding some of the worst cinema put on celluloid. This must have been a great second feature in the drive-ins in 1968 when people were getting down to something else. On That Seventies Show one of the funniest lines I ever heard was from pretty and vapid Mila Kunis who said that nothing was ever going to get in the way of her ambition to becoming a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. That same sense of purpose exists with our leading lady Leslie McRae who dreams of going out to Los Angeles and becoming a go-go dancer. It certainly beat slinging hash in that New Mexico diner with her drunken father. When Tom Pace comes into her life saying he's going to LA where his sister does just that, McRae hears enough and jumps in the car with him. Along the way they pickup another wandering stranger Jody Daniels and the three of them are off to Tinseltown after Pace robs a filling station. They find Pace's sister, a drugged out dancer working for club owner Mark Herron who's got his fingers in a lot enterprises, mostly illegal. Pace doesn't really care about his sister, he just sees opportunity for himself and McRae gets hired as a new dancer and Daniels becomes a club janitor. Herron indicates that Daniels could do better for himself with him and you can take that any number of ways. The film is one sorry mess, lousy sound recording, inane plot, totally bogus climax to this piece of drama. If you recognize the name of Mark Herron it will be because you remember who was Judy Garland's fourth husband. Mark wasn't doing that great before he married Judy, and when she cut him loose this was the best his meager talent could get. Oh and the music is bad Sixties music and the acting on the level of some of my grade school plays. When will Offbeat Cinema be showing Girl In Gold Boots?

Film, a Ted Mikels Production, "stars" Jody Daniel as "Critter," a long-winded draft-dodger (sort of like Bill Clinton), who teams up with a slutty dullard of a waitress, Michelle (Leslie McRae), and dime store thug, Buz (Tom Page), on a trek to an L.A. strip club, The Haunted House. "The Incredible Journey" this ain't. Opening title song, performed by Chris Howard & The Third World, is as inane as "Never Steal Anything Wet" by Mary Wells (which opened "Catalina Caper") and "Ha-So Stratosphere Boogie" by Jimmy Bryant & His Night Jumpers (which introduced "Skydivers") and, to make things worse, they play it about 10 times throughout the movie! Other songs, including "Wheels Of Love," "Everything I Touch," "For You," "Do You Want To Laugh Or Cry," "Hello Michelle," "One Good Time, One Place," "Lonesome Man," "Cowboy Santa," and "Strange Things," make this one of the worst musical soundtracks since "Incredibly Strange Creatures......," "Newsies," "Grease 2," and the remake of "Lost Horizon." Buz, the poor man's Regis Philbin (who, himself, is the poor man's Joey Bishop) first meets Michelle gyrating awkwardly to a jukebox in a run-down greasy spoon, and claims she should dance professionally, even though she has no talent, whatsoever. And, since his sister, Joan (Bara Byrnes) is the "number one attraction in Los Angeles," she decides to leave her abusive, drunken father and go with him. Along the way, they meet up a couple of wimp bikers, pick up the hitch-hiking "Critter," frolic with a guy in his goofy beach buggy, and rob a mom and pop store. Of course, the two guys get into a fight over Michelle, who, with her huge face, stringy hair and caked-on eye make-up, is slightly less feminine than Harvey Firestein in "Torch Song Trilogy." And her acting makes one yearn for the professionalism of ANY of the women in "Pin Down Girls," "Charlie's Angel's: Full Throttle." They finally arrive at the club, which, evidently, actually existed (complete with a huge mouth for a stage with nostrils that randomly spews steam for some reason) in a time when good taste and a pleasant atmosphere obviously were not very important to patrons. Once there, Michelle, despite her aforementioned lack of talent, rhythm, looks, brains, coordination, athleticism, or charisma, is hired immediately, and soon vaults passed the pill-popping Joan, while Critter and Buz get rewarding positions as a janitor and a drug pusher, respectively. The club's owner, Leo McCabe (Mark Herron), comes from the Carlo Lombardi-Great Vorelli sleaze school, with a henchman (Marty-William Bagdad) that looks like Ortega's (from "Incredibly Strange Creatures") cousin. And, in the tradition of past washed-up pop stars who've appeared in B-movies (see Little Richard, the Cascades, Platters, Mel Torme, and Paul Anka, among others), Preston Epps, who had a #14 hit with "Bongo Rock" in 1959, makes an embarrassing cameo during the party scene. In that particular sequence, Michelle's complete lack of dancing skills are never more evident as she drunkenly sways about the room in most humiliating fashion. Later, as tough and athletic as Buz is supposed to be, he's easily chased down by a pudgy, middle-aged, bald jail trustee (Harry Blatz played by Harry Lovejoy), who looks like a cross between Victor Buono and Dabney Coleman. Anyway, to make a long review even longer, Buz, in a fit of stupidity, kills Harry, but he, Leo and Marty are subdued by the pacifist Critter, who, seeing the error in his peace-loving ways and joins the Army, just in time to be shipped of to Indo-China. A profoundly bad counterculture movie that makes itself worse by actual selling out in the end. for all his rebellious talk and swagger, Critter thinks it's best to and fight for Uncle Sam. I weep for the soul.