Cat Run

Cat Run is a useless, needlessly crass and unpleasant piece of pseudo euro-pulp garbage with not a redeeming factor in sight. It tries its best to do the whole assassin mad dash a-lá Smokin Aces and such, but there's no heart, no discernible frequency to jive with and it ends up so thoroughly dead on arrival that you can feel the lack of pulse simply by watching a hastily cut trailer. The story is a glossy parade of silenced pistols, broad characterizations and graphic genre prototypes that offers nothing fresh, beginning with a murder scandal involving a scumbag politician (Christopher 'Shooter McGavin' McDonald) and a high class escort (Paz Vega). This causes subsequent fallout and bloodshed as all kinds of freaks and lowlifes come crawling out of the woodwork. They include two moronic would-be businessmen (Eurotrip's Scott Mechlowicz and Alphonso McCauley), a mysterious oddball (DJ Hughley) an Eastern European mobster nutjob (always cool to see Karel Roden) and Helen Bingham, a ferocious assassin played by British thesp Janet McTeer. They've made her character excessively, ridiculously arch and violent, hovering so far over the top she flies into orbit. The thing about these low rent, hard boiled, high octane ensemble capers is that you have to have a balance, a flow of all energies involved that stays streamlined and congruent. Smokin Aces had that (its sequel ran on an empty tank, but that's another story), as a good example of the recipe done right. This one just feels aloof and awkward, nothing to say and no amount of high style to distract us from the lack of proper story. It amazes me that they churned out a sequel this year, which I'll be avoiding, I think.

Loved the concept of the female "seasoned"assassin played by Janet McTeer! She really made the movie stand out, so matter of fact about her various episodes of murder, she stole the movie! Janet was also terrific in the movie series White Queen, playing Jacquetta Woodville,the mother of the British Plantagenous queen, both of who had serious witch talents. I am very sure there wouldn't be a 2nd Cat Run if it hadn't been for Janet's performance! The story about the hostess/hooker running away with the hard drive has been done before, with quite notable actors, but was not as unique as this story, the characters being slightly out of the ordinary, like Cat's father the pig farmer. The two actors playing the private detectives make it more of a comedy of errors than a serious story!

A bunch of prostitutes go to a fancy party. Among them is Cat and a friend of hers. Among the guests is an American ambassador. The palatial house is owned by a mean guy named Carver. When the ambassador gets rough and kills one of the girls, all hell breaks lose. Carver decides to kill all the girls. Cat manages to escape. Next morning while on the run she makes a phone call at a restaurant owned by Anthony. She steals his car and his friend's phone. Around this time the friend, named Julian, proposes they start a private detective business. Anthony eventually agrees. They get an "office" in a * theater, hire a guy missing 3 limbs as an assistant, and take on the "case" of finding Cat. Also looking for her is Carver. As it turns out Cat stole a hard drive of his with evidence of all sorts of wrongdoings. He hires a hitwoman Helen, a prim and proper English woman. And she's mean. She and the two morons follow the same trail--Cat's family in Spain, her pimp, and eventually the two find Cat just as Helen finds them all. They barely manage to escape. When Helen fails to do her job, Carver sends a hit-man after her. That causes Helen to join forces with the other 3, who now go after the ambassador and Carver. They crash another one of his parties and violence and the resolution ensues. This movie is not at all what it seems like. Cat is a very secondary character, and no, she isn't not some action chick. Initially it's all about the two fools chasing after Cat. And they make terrible lead characters. Since they are so weak, the appearance of Helen livens things up considerably, except that she it detestable. Things improve when the Scottish hit-man appears but unfortunately he's there only for a short time. While the characters are lame, the story is alright and the action is pretty good. This movie delights in some of the extremes it shows. The settings in Serbia are pretty neat and interesting. Overall a fairly decent movie that's at times annoying but overall entertaining and action packed.

John Stockwell did ring a bell, being a horror fan I remember Turistas (2006), a horror flick he also directed that had a lot of controversy concerning some operation scene's to be cut out to have a normal rating. This here isn't a horror but a pure entertaining flick. But it is also that kind of flick you watch and forget afterwards because it isn't a major blockbuster. And people who are thinking that they will see a Mission Impossible or Bourne will be disappointed. This is pure fun and even not for kids to watch due the nudity involved which is full frontal, shaved and unshaven. You also don't go watching it for the performances although I have to say that Janet McTeer as Helen Bingham is stunning. She gives away a stiff British performance but with literally a killing attitude. Due the nudity it's definitely one for the guys. There is also a bit of CGI gore here and there but I did dig it because it was done in slo-mo or POV from the bullet itself. There's a lot of action going on. Still, for many the thespians will be unknown but some are familiar to the ones who love B-movies. Paz Vega (Cat) did the lead in Lucía Y El Sexo (2001). Tony Curran will be recognized by horror buffs from Midnight Meat Train (2008) and Shuttle (2008) or from blockbusters like Underworld (2006) and Gladiator (2000) for example. But I do recommend it also for the ones who love action flicks with a bit of gore and humour. I laughed out loud with a few situations, especially when Alphonso McAuley who plays Julian Simms is transferred into a Scottish bloke (he's black) and of course he has to show he isn't wearing underwear, hilarious situation you couldn't see coming. Ideal for an evening with your male friends, sexy chicks, nudity in the beginning, gory situations, and comedy. I loved it, Cat doesn't has to run for me. Gore 1,5/5 Nudity 2,5/5 Effects 3/5 Story 3/5 Comedy 2/5

Before I watched this, I had never heard of Cat Run, or John Stockwell. I was bored on a Sunday night and this was sitting in one of my Netflix queues for weeks, so I thought, what the heck, let's give it a go. How bad can it be? For the first 30 minutes or so, I was thrown by the number of character introductions (made with graphics) so I distracted myself with my iPad only half-watching it. But then I started finding myself getting more and more drawn in by Janet McTeer's, Helen Bingham, as cold-blooded an assassin as you will ever see. Plus, she's kinda classy. This is really her movie, and without her, the story would be only average. I loved the line, "We'll always have Angola." The two private detectives are more comic relief than main characters, but the kilt dance made me laugh out loud for about 5 minutes. The supporting characters are numerous and familiar, which helps the story along. Paz Vega is pure window dressing. Cat Run certainly won't win any awards, and most of the characters are rather predictable, but it was still great fun if you just don't take it too seriously. By the time the movie ended, I was thoroughly engrossed so maybe it helps to pay less attention in the beginning where the story truly bogs down. Perhaps tighter editing there would have aided the initial story flow. All in all, Cat Run was better than a lot of reviewers give it credit for. You'd have to be a real movie snob not to enjoy it.

You know how carnies have that knack of making you part with your cash by pretending that they can read your palm or tea leaves? That's what this movie reminds me of. I assume that the script for Cat Run was interpreted from scrunched-up toilet paper after a bout of diarrhea brought on by food poisoning from cheap kebab meat. If you gave mentally subnormal 8-year-olds toy guns and told them to run riot in the back yard they'd come up with a better plot behind the gunplay than whoever was responsible for the script to his breathtakingly abysmal film. Cat (Paz Vega - who?) is at some political orgy shindig in Eastern Europe when everyone is suddenly killed and she finds herself marked for death and on the lam because "she knows". Many characters come and go over the running time, most of which seem to be occupying their own story as the movie feels very disconnected. I've seen many poorly edited films in my time, but Cat Run wins the top prize by a million miles. Characters warp through space and time with no coherence or cohesion. Cat Run feels like three separate terrible movies chucked into a blender, fed to pigs, collected as feces, then painted on the screen in brown smears. It is truly, mind-bogglingly, jaw-droppingly, agonizingly terrible. The worst part of this brain torture is that Cat Run actually thinks it is smart and funny. John Stockwell's "direction" makes you long for the crude, childish eye candy of Michael Bay. It will even make you forgive Guy Richie for all his previous sins. Nothing, but nothing about this drek can possibly be any worse. Shame on all involved. Who would want this on their resume? If you dropped Cat Run in a public toilet bowl it would regurgitate it back in your face. You honestly think that there are worse films than this? There's not. At least Tommy Wiseau's The Room had some shred of nobility, no matter house misguided. Do let this film come within a 100-mile radius of your life.

I would agree with most on here that this movie is a flawed but entertaining R rated film. its an action comedy movie that involves a female escort who witness a government cover up of a crime and is then hunted by the people trying to cover it up, aided by two unlikely private detectives to expose the crime and escape the ruthless assassins sent to eliminate her. quite the simple plot yet filled with all sort of characters from funny and silly like Jullian played by Alphonso Mcauley to cold blooded killers like Helen played by Janet Mcteer who for me really stole the show with her brilliant performance as the British assassin, absolutely loved her ! the movie is a mixture of Action and Comedy which could work for and against the film, at times it felt like a Bond film, other times felt more like There is something about Marry !! I mostly enjoyed the serious part of it, the mature violent kills and gory scenes, i also loved the setting of the film that took a wide tour through European countries capturing some beautiful scenery which added much to the movie. Action scene were pulled off with perfection, gun fights and a final fist fight not to be missed. In short, the movie was flawed in certain areas, but was actually pretty entertaining and worth a watch for sure, at least for Janet Mcteer's performance and some solid mature action. I say 7.5 out of 10

This movie is disgusting. It is disturbingly violent. It loses all credibility because it's practically unwatchable. How to get 10 lines in here so my review will post. Good question. I've said all I need to say in two lines. The movie severely sucks. It is violence beyond violence. Probably one of the most horrid movies I have ever seen in my life. I tried to post using dots...it would most assuredly not let me. So now I am just filling this with random words to get it to post. This is dumb that I have to keep typing just to get this to post. This is just a bad movie. Don't get this movie. Terrible beyond words. Okay, that's nine lines, this is ten lines. Let's see if it will post.

Nails + Chalkboard = Razors + Wrists 'Cat Run' has a few funny moments and great Eastern European setting. However it cannot overcome a flawed story and more importantly really really bad actors over acting with dialogue written by a 10 year old boy. The plot: As improbable as it is, American military industrial tycoon Christopher McDonald (the only professional actor in this film) orders the deaths of ALL the prostitutes at a brothel party after he strangles one of them. Instead of simply covering up the minor murder of a prostitute during ruff sex, McDonald's private army of tuxedo clad, sub machinegun brandishing henchmen shoot up the entire mansion. (Isn't this going to be far more difficult to cover up?) But the henchmen simply allow hooker with a heart of gold Cat to run away (still in high heels) with a video of the original strangulation. Enter Americans Scott Mechlowiz and Alphonso McAuley. Since no words can describe the pain of this duo, try to imagine being locked in a steel drum with Pauly Shore and Howie Mandel. Yes, it really is that bad. For reasons never explained these destitute fools end up successfully tracking the wanted Cat all across Europe from country to country on a seemingly unlimited travel budget. They also find themselves at odds with the professional assassin and torturer hired by McDonald, to also find Cat. The vicious assassin, Janet McTeer, parades herself as a British nanny. Much like Sylvester Stallone in 'Rhinestone' and Arnold Schwarzenegger in 'Junior.' The fish out of water scenario is so over the top, it's just plain unfunny. The "plot" also does a complete 180 on us when the sadistic assassin we're supposed to fear and hate for torturing innocent victims to dead, suddenly switches sides and becomes a caring and selfless heroine whom wants to help Cat and crush McDonald. Of course the mindless heroes mindlessly accept McTeer as their ally, mindlessly forgetting all wrongs. Sadly, McTeer is the least annoying of the over acting assassins. They're more. Many more. Like a Scotsman whom resembles Fat Bastard from the 'Austin Powers' films. Except, 'Cat Run' is supposed to be and action comedy, not a slapstick comedy. Hence these henchmen all come across as out of place very annoying. The single biggest nail on the chalkboard is the screenplay itself which seems to be written by a 10 year old boy who thinks any type of vulgarity is funny. It's not! And someone should have stopped this script in its tracks from ever being turned into a movie. Crude humor can be done well but this script totally ignores the second part, the humor. The vulgarity needs a punch line. A joke cannot be just 4 letters long.

This is proof that money, gorgeous women, solid acting and beautiful locales cannot overcome a silly, unbelievable story. The story starts out as a buddy movie with 2 goofy American guys starting a business in Europe. Then, they cross paths with the gorgeous Cat and all hell breaks loose. The focus of the story then changes to another 'bad American govt official in cahoots with ruthless Eastern European arms dealers". And then it gets REALLY silly. And not fun silly. They tried to throw in a few jokes but it is just a muddled mess. The Un-believability factor is ridiculously high. You'd think that Europeans hear gun shots all of the time and do nothing about it. But, if there is a reason to see this movie it is Janet McTeer who steals every scene she is in, doing a better impression of Helen Mirren than even Helen Mirren can do. She is cold, ruthless, efficient and believable, to a certain extent. It started out as a Guy Ritchie type movie, devolves into overblown James Bond type silliness and then the bodies start stacking up like cord wood. The 2 lowest points are the African American guy doing a Scottish Accent and then later, getting everyone out of a jam by picking up his kilt. Dumb, Dumb, Dumb. The 2 main guys are very likable but under used, Paz Vega started out as the star but then acts as scenery, not even DL Hughley can save it in the 90 seconds of screen time he gets. This could have been a good movie. They spent a lot of money making it. They should have spent more time writing it. This movie is under cooked. Watch it with low expectations. And enjoy the eye candy. That's it.