Astro-Zombies

source: Astro-Zombies

Demented Dr. DeMarco has figured out a way to create Astro-Zombies–that is, wildly gyrating actors wearing skull masks. His methods involve organs being removed--usually from lovely women, of course. The Feds want to stop him. Villains led by statuesque Tura Satana want his formula. Most viewers probably wanted their money back. John Carradine plays DeMarco with all the professionalism he can muster. Satana's costumes showcase the twin talents that made her a Russ Meyer star. She also throws a nasty karate kick, just as her Mexican cohort brandishes a mean switchblade–never let it be said that Ted V. Mikels let a stereotype go by. Another character jokes about "becoming a lush;" that line is in ill taste since co-star Wendell Corey–who died after filming–was suffering from acute alcoholism. On the funny side: there's never more than one Astro-zombie on screen at any time; must be the local Woolworth's only had one skull mask in stock. One Astro-zombie manages to lose his "photo cell" and pursues victims while holding a flashlight up to his head to keep going. Toy tanks and robots appear for no logical reason under the credits. Old VHS tapes titled SPACE VAMPIRES ran a mere 77 minutes. I recently saw a 91-minute DVD that featured some surprising bits of cheesecake early on and gore toward the end. I bet co-scripter/co-producer Wayne Rogers never mentioned this five-cent fiasco to his buddies on the set of M*A*S*H.

If you could somehow wave a magic wand over a steaming pile of crap and turn it into a shiny DVD, "The Astro Zombies" is what would be on that DVD. It starts out promising, with a well-endowed 1960s go-go type chick getting mauled by some guy in an Imperial-Stormtrooper-on-Acid helmet. Cut to the authorities getting together and spouting some semi-amusing gibberish about a mad scientist creating "Astro-Men." So far, so good. Unfortunately, what follows next is 80 minutes of excruciating boredom, including several interminable -- and I mean interminable -- scenes of the mad scientist (John Carradine) farting around in his lab with his Igor-like assistant Franchot (William Bagdad). All in all, the "zombies" have about two minutes of screen time. For the rest of the film, absolutely nothing happens. Maybe if Russ Meyer chick Tura Satana, who plays a Mexican spy or something, flashed her enormous *, it would have helped this rancid waste of time. On second thought, even that wouldn't have made a difference. Avoid this excrement at all costs, and don't believe anyone who claims "It's so bad it's good." No, it's so bad it's criminal. Co-written by Wayne Rogers (as in Trapper John from the M*A*S*H* TV series) and followed, unbelievably, by a sequel in 2002.

A bunch of Vitalis-laden slugs sit around a wood-paneled office and chat, including the drunk as a skunk Wendell Corey. Tura Satana sits around in a spectacular outfit and looks incredibly bored. John Carradine shleps around his lab with Igor and talks at length about how Astro Zombies work. Occasionally someone is shot or garden-weaseled to death, sometimes by a guy in a skull mask. In one scene a woman is sitting around and the door opens and she gasps but nothing happens, but the irony is that it would have been more of an inversion if something DID happen. In between lines there are excruciatingly long passages of people wandering around and fidgeting. There are also a lot of cars driving around, and even in broad daylight the exteriors all seem to have been pushed three stops. At the end Carradine is shot and Satana is electrocuted, inspiring the cop to muse, "Well, there's one basic element of human life that can never be removed - the emotions!" We're in Phil Tucker territory here, folks.

Even though low budget cult films are one of my guilty pleasures I must confess that I found this a bit of a trial. Slow moving to the point where you find yourself planning next weeks dinner menus this does have one redeeming feature....the magnificent Tura Satana (the go-go dancing hells vixen from Russ Meyers Faster Pussycat Kill Kill). Worth watching even if you have to fast forward to Tura's scenes

As I watched this film, I couldn't help but think that leading man Wendell Corey looked intoxicated throughout the movie--acting listless and somewhat slurred in speech. So, I did a search on the net and read up on Corey's life--discovering that the same year he made this film he also died from cirrhosis of the liver as a result of alcoholism. What a sad end to what had been a good career. Corey had been mostly a supporting actor in the late 40s and into the 50s--steady and effective in his films. Here, though, he was blundering through his lines in a grade-z sci-fi yarn. Oddly, despite getting top billing, he's not in the film that much--perhaps he died before it was completed. John Carradine is also in the film, but that isn't nearly as sad as Corey, as Carradine made a career out of appearing in bad films, so this seems to be right up his alley! It is truly an awful film--with practically no budget, ketchup for blood and acting that seems amateur at best. You know it's a bad film when Carradine is probably the BEST actor among them. Here is the plot: American scientists have been working on creating "astro-zombies". In essence, robots that follow mental commands over great distances--so that humans on Earth can control these droids in space. The problem is, a mad scientist (Carradine) has gone missing and many mutilated bodies begin appearing. Could it be Carradine or the Commies or both?! One of the few strengths about the film is the head "baddie". This woman should probably have gotten a fashion makeover, but I still loved her style--no debating--just shooting people. And, when she shoots them, she shoots them again and again--pumping bullets into the lifeless bodies just to be 100% sure they are dead. For once, we seem to have an intelligent villain--too bad she's starring in such an unintelligent film!! And, too bad that she conveniently forgets to do this at the very end--when she SHOULD have unloaded a full clip into her victim! The biggest deficit (and there are many) is that the film is so dull. Cheap does not mean that it must be dull. Even bad films such as PLAN 9 or TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE are fun to watch because of their ineptness and because they try so hard to be entertaining. This one, sadly, isn't bad enough to be good for a laugh. Not surprisingly, the film is from Ted Mikels--one of the best bad film makers that ever lived. Clearly, he was the rival of the likes of Larry Buchanan, Ed Wood and Al Adamson. If you don't believe me, understand that "The Astro-Zombies" is among his BEST films!!

i've made a huge mistake and bought that movie on dvd. there are no zombies and no astros... it's worse than any ed wood movie and i can't believe that 16 people voted a 10 on this movie. my advice to everybody is to destroy every existing copy!

The problem with this film is two-fold. First, Mickels revealed, in his first film ("Strike me Deadly") that he really wanted to make real films. "Strike" is not a great film, but given the low budget, it actually keeps its integrity pretty much in tact. Unfortunately, not enough so to persuade film financiers to support Mickels into a career in mainstream Hollywood. Consequently (as Mickels reveals in his interviews) he abandoned himself to making low-rent drive-in trash, which at least made money. Consquently, there's an awful lingering sense throughout this film that Mickels, having determined to make a bad film, is actually laughing at his audience. WE think this is 'so bad it's funny'; Mickels seems to be saying 'You're so dumb you think this is so bad it's funny (when it's only just bad)'. Secondly, since someone intentionally making bad films for suckers doesn't really care, the pacing here is really awful. There are indeed some really funny scenes here, but you better have some patience waiting for them. An unsettling performance for lovers of bad films - and not good enough to recommend otherwise.

I recommend this movie to insomniacs, maybe they can watch this movie and enjoy it. It's a mix of spies, science, and horror as several plots interrupt each other. 1) A team of detectives are investigating a series of murders where organs are taken from bodies and try to stop a gang of spies. 2) A mad scientist (played horribly by John Carradine) takes the organs and makes a series of astro zombies that run on batteries (more on this later). 3) A gang of spies, led by Tura Satana, needs the scientist's information to create their own supermen to take over the world. Now, each plot has its good points. Joan Patrick is the shining star in the detective story as a young nurse used as bait for a zombie (seems the brain of a criminal she operated on is inside of it). After that fails, she goes home and is attacked by one while her cop boyfriend is outside. The cop puts up a fight with the thing and (luckily for him, since he was getting beat pretty bad) the zombie runs out of energy in its "cell battery" on its forehead, so it grabs the nearest flashlight, turns it on, smacks it onto the battery, and runs back to the lab! The scientist plot is saved by the presence of a scantily-dressed young captive who is gawked at and pawed upon by Carradine's assistant Franchot. Carradine just rambles on and on about science and zombies and such to his mute assistant, who couldn't care less! All Franchot wants to do is experiment on the captive! The spy story is Tura Satana's story and I could watch her forever! An extremely sexy woman, just like in FASTER PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL!, she is pure evil. She holds men hostage and burns cigarette butts into their faces, shoots cops gleefully even after they're dead, and obviously wants to take over the world! Now that I think about, I guess I can see why people might want to watch this. For the sheer silliness of it all. But there are many boring parts, including a hypnotic * dance in a club by a woman painted head to toe in psychedelic colors! Proceed with caution!

Yeah I know this flick is an infamous piece of schlock, but heck that's what I expected. I went into it expecting entertaining cheese and was highly entertained. Carradine's pseudo-scientific lingo is a hoot! I like the cold war espionage vibe of the flick too, but I really really love the design of the Astrozombies themselves! Great masks! The Astrozombies have the perfect mix of cool and cheesy aesthetics going for 'em. For a little more mayhem (and more Astrozombies) be sure to check out Mark of the Astrozombies. It's another wonderful piece of schlock with a bit more blood and, most importantly, more Astrozombies! The world needs more Astrozombies!! How about yet another Astrozombie movie Mr. Mikels? We need a trilogy!