Arachnoquake

When a series of earthquakes releases a violent breed of spider into New Orleans, a tourist group and several others band together to fight off the deadly creatures before they wreak havoc on the city. This was a slightly silly and goofy Sci-Fi Channel creature feature that actually has some good points to make it worthwhile. One of the biggest aspects here comes from the frantic, continuous plot on display, with the spiders out and about quite early it makes for a lot of action to come from their encounters. Even though there's no deaths present, the attack on the tour bus is a lot of fun with their first appearance driving this one along a nice scene and makes the most of it with several rather big action scenes followed off this one including a fantastic scene in a convenience store and a rather suspenseful one later on in a stranded bus along a lonely highway that's quickly overrun by the creatures that's a lot of fun watching it slowly get covered with webbing. Other stand-outs include the numerous encounters and chases in the swamps around the city as there's plenty of gunfights with the creatures, a rather impressive autopsy sequence where we finally get a handle on the creatures and a chance to see that they have some nifty powers that add to the fun here, as well as getting some suspenseful moments throughout here. While the finale is far out-of-place in the film it has plenty of cheesy action here with the military encounters attempting to stop it and the final resolution to stopping it is pure cheesy fun. Aside from the action, there's also a lot to like with the spiders here being far more involved and given much more here than expected going into their backstory and society which not only gives them a logical reason for being here as well as having a nice bit of knowledge about the creatures. These here are enough to hold this off from the few small problems here, which start with the actions of the finale. It doesn't really have a lot of purpose being there other than to fill the cheese quotient even more, but that doesn't make it seem coherent in the narrative of the story. It comes from out of nowhere here and really just seems awkward at times in terms of what happens elsewhere in the rest of the movie and it feels a little underwhelming. As well, there's also the fact that this one features a really irritating ploy here with the family members continually getting to bag on the guy here for what is obviously out of his control for no reason here and this one feels too repetitious here in the later half of the by keeping up this lame storyline here. The ability of this one jumping to conclusions in blaming him for what's going on is such a stretch that it becomes laughable to assume that kind of action was the result of what he was being accused of and it goes deep enough into here that it does become a problem. Overall, this was a decent enough entry with some minor problems. Rated R: Graphic Violence and Language.

This movie is God damn beautiful. From acting to CGI to story it's all extremely bad. It's hilarious how almost nothing is connected or makes any sense. I absolutely love that someone thought this was a great idea to make into a movie. I imagine it went like this: "Okay Mark I have a great concept for a movie." "Alright tell me about it Jackson" "Okay so, beautiful girly, spiders that can breathe fire and of course someone dies but comes back to life" "God damnit Jackson this is the best thing I ever heard we should make this into a move." And so this was created, not giving one single thought about the story to fil in the spaces between the girl and the spiders. 8/10 because it's a miracle that something like this was even made into a movie and because of the hilarious acting and the nonexistent story. It's a masterpiece.

An uncommon earthquake strikes New Orleans and leaves some huge cracks in the earth. City officials must be on vacation, because these holes are unattended. Or, it's possible city workers have been attacked by a side effect of the earthquake, while arriving with their orange cones and yellow "caution" tape. These would be an increasing army of creepy, cartoon-like spiders. These creatures start out smaller than an egg, but they get bigger as the movie progresses. Fire seems to stop them dead in their tracks, but they also emit fire of their own. Very soon, the city of New Orleans is crawling with spiders. They must be stopped, before they suck the life out of everyone in the cast... As far as cheap Syfy TV movies go, this one isn't too bad. Knowing how this sort of assignment works, director Griff Furst dispenses with mystery and suspense and goes for silliness and excitement. He earns opening points with an interesting usage of eggs and a truck's mirror. Young women in tight denim shorts are a recurring image. While not scientifically sound ("queen" spider?), the story uses a standard structure. Leading actor Bug Hall (as Paul) is attractive and athletic. He jumps around like a super-hero and "Bug" is a great name for a Syfy leading man. He also acts very convincing in the opening, as a still slightly buzzed young man leaving a "one night stand" sex pick-up... While not billed first, Mr. Hall is definitely the star of "Arachnoquake". Two billed above Hall in the credits are Tracey Gold as an asthmatic zoology schoolteacher and Edward Furlong as a school bus driver. This must be because Ms. Gold and Mr. Furlong were considered bigger stars. Others in the cast have more fun. Arguably, Hall's main co-star is Olivia Hardt (as Petra). In the tight denim shorts contest, she comes in second. This story should have been improved by combining the two buses into one group. Everyone could have fit quite comfortably in Hall's tour bus. Also, it's strange that nobody in the crew knew much about spiders. Granted, they don't breathe fire, either. ***** Arachnoquake (2012-06-23) G.E. Furst ~ Bug Hall, Olivia Hardt, Tracey Gold, Edward Furlong

Much like a 10 car pile up on the highway - I felt compelled to watch this movie to the very end... I feel terrible for all the people who actually watched the whole movie. When I arrived home and it was on and then I saw Edward Furlong so I thought I'd give it a chance. I have absolutely no problem with low budget productions - I get that sometimes the funding for someone's dream or vision just isn't available. The acting, storyline and the 'CGI' was so bad that I actually took the time to register on IMDb to leave a review. What pleases me about watching this movie is that I'm now registered on IMDb and can leave reviews for movies truly worth my time. The end.

So, OK I've watched about a dozen of these Sy Fy, Asylum, low rent films in recent weeks because (well I hate myself) and it wasn't until I came to this one that I realised what is wrong with most of these films. OK yes the effects are bad and the acting can be hit and miss, some of that comes down to the script. But what the main crime seems to be is that they're boring. A film about giant fire breathing water walking flesh eating spiders who emerge from a crack in the earth caused by an earthquake shouldn't really be dull. It should at least be energetic enough that plot and reality don't matter. What happens though is, as these films are made for TV they are made and written in 9-13 sections. They are disjointed because each section has to have something to keep the audience coming back, so an attack or bit of flesh every 10 minutes or so. As a result the films are badly paced and the characters don't develop naturally, meaning you get massive contrast in attitude and pace because they're filling time until the next Ad break. Id go a step further and suggest that the films aren't even written in one go, the 4 or 5 big scenes (the opening, first attack, heroes attack, finale etc) are written first in a way that 'works' and the rest is filled in, so you end up with often long dull exposition scenes explaining why the action that they need to happen next is about to happen. You end up with lots of scenes of people driving saying "hey it must be because A,B and C so there fore we must now go and do X, Y and Z).. and then that happens. There's nothing wrong with building your film to fit the broadcast format, in fact its sometimes better to factor in Advert when editing a TV movie like so many TV dramas do, but the problem is that filling in between the breaks has to be worth it, not just a semi cliff hanger. Now I know I haven't mentioned the film specifically in this review very much and the reason is, it's THAT forgettable. I watched so many of these recently that they blend into one... I think the kid from Terminator was in this or maybe Malcom McDowell as he'll do anything... but other than that it was forgettable.... oh and throw in a hot blond in denim shorts Boring, forgettable and ignorable... they should start calling these films Slow Budget Movies

This is definitely the best SyFy movie I have seen. It has all the usual things these movies have, a useless military, a female scientist, a hot girl and the hunky star. Unfortunately, about half of the movie has no reason to exist. They run their boat onto the ground and abandon ship, implying that the boat wouldn't move. After running from spiders for an hour they go back to the boat and leave. Still not bad for this type of movie.

This is a horrible movie but it can be horribly fun if you watch it with friends, and you just make jokes and laugh about how stupid the movie is, which I'm pretty sure is exactly what the intention of the film's producers was. Basically this movie is about a huge earthquake which somehow opens up a sinkhole in the earth but it also simultaneously somehow awakens a colony of ancient and incredibly dangerous, deadly poisonous and aggressive spiders. That really sums it up. The story doesn't really have any surprises and all the shocks and scares you will see coming a mile away. But there are a lot of fun moments and so bad they're funny death scenes. Pretty much every possible way you could picture spiders killing someone is covered in this movie. Stupid, mindless fun.

ARACHNOQUAKE Yes... it is as bad as it sounds. This film is brilliant for comedy value. It is a B-movie with b-movie acting and b-movie effects. The film is about a lot of giant fire breathing spiders running wild killing people. The story is terrible. Nothing really makes any sense. Nothing is explained. The acting is so bad in this film, it is no wonder I have not heard of most of the cast... but there is one famous face in this. Edward Furlong... oh dear. His career has gone downhill. The thing is, he is a good actor. I obviously loved him in Terminator 2, and he also made a fantastic movie called Brainscan... But I don't know what he was thinking when he agreed to be in this. His acting is as bad as everyone elses! Also, in this movie his character is married with 2 children... his wife looks old enough to be him Mum and his 2 kids look old. I mean, it looks like he had these 2 kids when he was 8 years old! I can't help but think that casting was not very good. There was some brilliant comedy moments in this. If you like movies that doesn't really take itself too seriously, then you will love this. I really enjoyed it, but only because it had me laughing at it from beginning to end. I will give this film 5 out of 10. But it only gets that rating because I have not laughed that much for a long time. For more reviews, please like my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Ordinary-Person-Movie- Reviews/456572047728204?ref=hl

After surviving a viewing of this, my impression is that this is one of those movies that was filmed simultaneously as the script was still being written - you know, "Okay, we're done with Scene 10... hurry up and finish writing scene 11... we begin shooting it tomorrow." This explains why characters seem to drop into the story with no explanation or background, like when the National Guard just happens to be on the scene of a spider attack... did somebody call them or were they just driving through the area at the time? There are too many "conveniences" in the plot. Tracey Gold's character just happens to be an expert on arachnology, the Guardsman's daughter just happens to be aboard the bus they are trying to rescue. Add to this the hammed-up acting and what you get is a cast of cardboard characters you have no empathy for. And what is it with that background music? The generic "scenes of peril" film score runs at full volume throughout the majority of the movie! Since the IMDb ratings system only allows whole numbers, I give this a "1." If it were possible I would award it an extra half point for (unintentional) comedic value for the scene of the final showdown with the giant cheap-CGI spider. In short, this is another movie I highly recommend... ...that you avoid.

Another entry in the trash of SyFy flicks. I only gave it a shot because Edward Furlong was in it, you know, the young dude from Terminator 2 (1991). From the beginning the spiders are on-screen and that was rather okay because the action came in from the beginning. But on the other hand it looked ridiculous due the CGI used. In the beginning the spiders are rather small and believable but once they are throwing fire (CGI) towards humans it becomes laughable. After that the spiders become bigger and bigger and it all ends with a King Kong situation. The story if there was any was stupid and the acting wasn't convincing at all. If you pop up a beer with friends then you will laugh a lot but further this doesn't give us anything at all. Gore 0/5 Nudity 0/5 Effects 1/5 Story 1/5 Comedy 0/5