Alien from L.A.

source: Alien from L.A.

Sometimes you watch a movie and just know a few minutes in that in a week's time you won't remember a thing about what you just watched. Alien from LA is that kind of bad movie, where it's just a bland level of schlock - well, except for one thing, which is the voice that Kathy Ireland decided on (or probably with Albert Pyun's expert auteurist direction). This is also a misleading title from the start: while there is an alien in this movie, it's not some other person from another planet or dimension, it's Ireland's character herself, going into some subterranean piece of crap place where everyone considers her the alien presence. Those going on thinking at, from the look of the poster, Kathy Ireland may be playing an alien as some like possessed being (ala Species) think again. In what I imagine must have been the production design inspiration for the look of the Super Mario Brothers movie, this place that Ireland goes to is dreary looking and the designs for the characters are either really ugly and not in any kind of interesting or charming way (the short guy with the LONG eyelashes) or just off or odd (the woman who looks like discount Helena Bonham Carter). All that happens here is that Ireland, who is a bubble-headed nerd (if that makes sense) gets dumped by her boyfriend at the very start of the movie (because she doesn't, you know, GO places and stuff, sheesh what a lame-o), finds out her father may have died and goes to Africa where he was excavating, and falls down the same "bottomless pit" that he did. It would be nice if there was anything like, say, engaging characters or good humor, but in absence of that there isn't anything lively enough to mock. I have to wonder how the MST3K episode of this went, and it must have been a slog to come up with enough good jokes in the writer's room (how much can you say about Ireland's squeaky voice that makes Betty Boop sound like Mariah Carey?) It's a dreadful experience not because of its low production value (albeit I will say some of the sets look like they got some work and a few shots are clever with the lighting, but just a few), but because it's just boring. You know where this is going to go, the characters are undeveloped, and the music sounds like it was created in an hour and in all the wrong places for MAXIMUM emotional stuff. Pass.

In 1990 I saw Kathy Ireland in person - I was at UNT in Denton during the filming of "Necessary Roughness." Strangely enough, the voice she's using in this film isn't too far off from her real speaking voice. Anyway, the plot goes like this: Kathy gets a letter telling her that her father's fallen into a bottomless pit in Africa. She goes and investigates the site of her father's death, only to get sucked into a subterranean world that's part dystopian nightmare, part uninspiring fantasy, and inhabited by rejects from the Plasmatics. This movie really wastes the talent of Linda Kerridge, who, in my opinion, could have been someone had she gotten that one big role that was right for her. Anyway, the main hero of the story, Gus, is a very lame Mark "Jacko" Jackson rip-off. The original is annoying enough to begin with, but this guy really is torture to watch. Eventually the nebbish Wanda comes out of her shell and ends up wearing a bikini top and a sarong at the end. If you're going to have Kathy Ireland in a film in skimpy clothing, it'd better be a bikini. Anyway, the film was just all around bad and rightfully skewered by MST3K. Avoid this one if possible.

Every boy eventually learns the lesson that just because a girl is good-looking, it doesn't mean she's good. Well, lemme tell you, at age 19, lesson learned. It's hard to tell what's worse: Kathy Ireland's acting skills, or her ultra-high-pitched voice; the one that sounds like a screeching mouse on helium scratching its tiny little claws down a blackboard. With an incomprehensible plot set in outer space with dwarves that want Kathy Ireland's bones for some obscure reason, this movie is just wrong on so many levels. If there were ever a candidate for a Mystery Science Theater 3000 revival, this would be it.

Boy, this movie is bad. And not in a good, cheesy, fun way, either. Even MST3K couldn't stop it from being boring, and it's also confusing as all get out. But the most annoying part of this dull mess is Ireland's hideous high pitched voice, which I was tired of listening to in the first five minutes. Not to mention how really unappealing her character is. Even her Dad ran away and abandoned her! I can see why, frankly. If he'd had to listen to her whine in her little mouse voice for more than a few minutes, he'd have been tempted to do her a great harm. As I was, by the end of the movie. Plus, she's useless and annoying. When she falls down the long hole in the earth a la Alice in Wonderland, she'd have been done for in the first ten minutes if that inexplicably Australian accented miner hadn't kept saving her from all of the various plights she kept falling into. He should have just tied her to the Atlantean version of train tracks and been done with it. And this Atlantis underground with the weird, confusing obsession with bone density,I have to ask-where was the light coming from down there? Did they have generators that imitate the sun? No matter. There's no real plot anyway, just a bunch of oddly costumed Goth wannabees running around trying to catch Kathy(probably so that they can stick a gag in her mouth). Stupid, pointless film. Thank you Golan Globus, for this cinematic abomination. May you burn in the seventh ring of Hell for all eternity.

The fanciful tale of a young girl's descent into the underground world of Atlantis, ' Alien From L.A. ', Albert Pyun's homage to Jules Verne's ' Journey To The Center Of The Earth ', is a engaging piece of sci-fi whimsy that makes the most of it's minimal budget. Kathy Ireland as squeaky voiced teen Wanda makes a delightfully offbeat heroine, plummeted towards the centre of the earth whilst searching for her explorer-adventurer father in Africa, missing and presumed dead. The underground world of Atlantis that she stumbles upon is realized as a rather intriguing punk domain with many unusual quirks - non-welcoming to visitors of the surface world. Nowhere near as bad as it has been suggested, ' Alien From L.A. ' remains a fun adventure romp for non-too serious fans of the genre. Interestingly the characters and visuals of the movie were re-hashed to complete the latter half of Rusty Lemorande's own ' Journey To The Center Of The Earth ', released in the same year. Although ' Journey... ' actually pre-dates ' Alien... ' ( production having begun around 1986 ), it was apparently beseiged by financial problems and Pyun was later called in to make the movie his own. This has given people the false impression that ' Journey... ' is a sequel to ' Alien... ' when it is not.

Binge watching Jules Verne's adaptations I was about to watch the 1988 version when I noticed it was it was actually a sequel to this odd little film. Starring the always adorable Kathy Ireland with her baby voice cranked right up and Thom "Return of the Living Dead/Friday 13th" Matthews it's an odd little film that nobody would ever connect to Verne's work. It tells the story of a nerdy young girl who goes in search of her missing father and finds herself trapped beneath the earth in the legendary city of Atlantis. Trouble is the people there don't believe in the "Above world" and therefore she finds herself an alien in a hostile land. Clearly not based on Verne's novels we see no giant monsters here, just warring factions and a really strong 80's vibe. The film has a really critically low rating on IMDB and though I think this is a bad film it's not really "That" bad. Sadly it's structure is awful, the whole thing is ugly as hell, the writing is poor and it doesn't have much going for it. Certainly niche viewing I'd say its one for Kathy Ireland fans only. The Good: Erm..... The Bad: Ridiculous levels of overacting Terribly paced Not the most visually pleasing film Many may find Irelands voice grinds after a while

Even in her glasses wearing geek mode Kathy Ireland is very easy on the eyes but her acting is not easy to watch. Most of the actors in the film either take it way over the top (beyond "campy fun") or act slightly embarrassed at being there. The effects and soundtrack are nothing special and fairly low budget. The plot line REALLY stretches ones ability to suspend disbelief. Catch this one to laugh at if it comes on a premium movie channel or network Saturday afternoon TV, but DO NOT waist money on this thing. One worthy mention for trivia purposes is that one of the underground mobsters is played by Deep Roy. Deep is now famous for playing (and doing it well) all the Oompa Loompas in Burton's "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."

A California valley girl named Wanda Saknussemm (Kathy Ireland), desperately searching for a means to make a new start and escape her nerdish tendencies, goes to Africa in search of her absentee archaeologist father following reports he may have fallen into a bottomless pit only for her to stumble and fall down the same hole. She winds up in a bizarre and strange underground city named Atlantis which just might be at the center of the Earth. There she befriends a miner she calls "Gus" and continues searching for her long lost Papa. However those dwelling in the underground city have heard rumors of there being aliens from the surface world hidden amongst them and despite the government's constant denial that aliens exist on television, they still offer rewards for the capture of anyone who might be thought an "alien" making Wanda a target for many unscrupulous types. This is a relatively harmless fantasy time-waster. In fact, the non-discriminating fantasy viewer may actually enjoy this one. This is kind of like a California Valley Girl version of ALICE IN WONDERLAND with a bit of THE WIZARD OF OZ thrown in filtered through a BLADE RUNNER-esquire setting with the train of events playing out rather like SPACEHUNTER but this movie isn't anywhere near as good as any of those. I have to admit I actually had fun watching this though it's just so outrageous and outlandish in its approach. The sets too prove surprisingly effective for a low budget movie. Plus I always get a kick out of the state controlled television announcements which prove incredibly transparent in their intent. While this is definitely not for everyone (it stars Kathy Ireland who's really no actress, borrows most of its plot from other movies and things always feel a little too safe and sure for our leads), there are those who might find enjoyment here although it's a little tough to explain why exactly. Just the harmless fun of it all I guess.

What a great movie. With a dark, dusty visual style every bit as good as "Bladerunner", with costumes & props every bit as good as "Mad Max", with a totalitarian theme every bit as good as "THX-1138", and with a satirical wit every bit as deadpan as "Robocop", this film was quite an achievement. It has so much going on... For me, one of the strange highlights was seeing Deep Roy (who played the oompa loompas in the recent "Charlie & the Chocolate Factory") as the sinister crime boss... sort of like the Godfather meets Tattoo from Fantasy Island. Another winning performance was Kathy Ireland herself who managed to pull off a sort of Alice (in Wonderland) but with a voice like Betty Boop. How she did that & keep a straight face is beyond me. The plot is simple yet bizarre, a sort of pastiche of "Journey to the Centre of the Earth" mixed with "Wizard of Oz" and maybe some bits of "Sixteen Candles" thrown in for good measure. I don't understand how MST3k could mock this film as it already clearly mocks itself. I mean, come on, with Kathy Ireland's crazy helium voice, it's pretty obvious that nothing is intended to be taken seriously. Still people just don't get it, thinking this is a bad movie. On the contrary, it's so good at making fun of itself that nobody realizes it. In that sense it's a lot like "Barbarella" except with the sexiness considerably toned down (yes, so if you came here expecting to see some gratuitous cleavage & booty shots of swimsuit models, you're better off with Baywatch). I'm not sure what its official MPAA rating is, but I'd say it's a very tame PG. And that's precisely what makes it so unexpected and hard to categorize. You'd think it would be a scifi sex farce like "Barbarella" or "Galaxina", but it is definitely not (although I wouldn't discount an occasional adult double-entendre or two). Expect something maybe like "Labyrinth" but with a harder edge and a much stronger sense of satire, and I think you'll have a blast. Like Labyrinth, it's clean & family friendly, but there's definitely a darkness & sophisticated sense of humour that makes it clearly for grown ups too. Pay no attention to the MST3k lemmings who rated this a 2.5 out of 10. If you go into this expecting to have a good time, you won't be disappointed. The visuals alone are worth the price of admission.